Texts

me: Need anything?
Topher: bitches and hos
me: Hahaha Well I'll bring myself for a bit

Texts

after telling me how stressed she was and that she'd text me more or call when she was out of the bath, I never heard back from Mo at all. So, the next day, I sent her a text.

me: Hope you didn't drown in the bath last night. I never heard back from you
Mo: Lol Almost! I was soo relaxed when I got out that I passed out

Texts

me: Doubt it was on purpose but just realized DCrush made me feel tonight like he must have that night in October. Home safe now. Night hun
Mo: Stop thinking so much. Like I said, you can do much better than that

Texts

the mom: Hey My phone was off What is up?
me: Not a thing. Still out. That other guy I had a crush on has some skinny whore all over him
the mom: forget him then

She's so cute and so funny. I was just buzzed enough to show this to my girl friends that were out with me that night :)

Texts

me: My mom just goes "Maybe you should start liking Jeff again. They were winning when you liked him." lol
Mo: shut the f up ... Hahaha
me: Yea, dead serious lol She comes up with the most random crap lol
Mo: She is funny though

Yes

Eight-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon wrote a letter to the editor of New York's Sun, and the quick response was printed as an unsigned editorial Sept. 21, 1897. The work of veteran newsman Francis Pharcellus Church has since become history's most reprinted newspaper editorial, appearing in part or whole in dozens of languages in books, movies, and other editorials, and on posters and stamps.

"DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says, 'If you see it in THE SUN it's so.'
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?
VIRGINIA O'HANLON.
115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET."

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except [what] they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if they did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, VIRGINIA, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Texts

Sooooo, last night a little after midnight (and quite buzzed) I sent out a "Happy Christmas Eve - have a great holiday" kinda text to say 20 friends in my phone. One of these people wrote me back with a serious attitude about "mass texting" in the middle of the night. It was a nice text I sent out to select few and I apparently deserved to get my head bitten off for it? Ok. When a mutual friend cheery wrote me back, I told her...

me: And oh my goodness {boy from text} sucks. Hope he chokes on some holiday meal.
me: He can go f*ck himself. He just got an attitude about that text I sent out.
Tam: F*ck him.
me: Exactly. I was like Excuse me for trying to include you. Your number is gone from my phone after this.
Tam: Good
me: Geez. Turn your phone off if ya don't want texts dude or remove the stick from your ass. What a grinch!
Tam: Lol that's why I love u.
Tam: Some guys are a*sholes.

Texts

me: Go Richie and have sex with him lol
Mo: I hate u
me: You love me lol
Mo: Damn u!
me: :o)

Wise(A$s) Wednesday

"If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it" -Anthony J. D'Angelo

Texts

me: Guess who sent me a msg this AM on Facebook? MMKev - speak of the devil!
Mo: R U f'in kidding me? Ha. Jerk.
me: Hahaha. Yea. Exactly - inviting me to {his friend's} NYE party too no less
Mo: Of course he is! Haha
me: Wish I could show up with Reg lol
Mo: Hahaha. That would be priceless
me: Lol. Being stupid to even dream that, but my goodness I'd love to see MMKev's face

Texts

me: guys suck. Especially hockey guys
Mo: where is this coming from?
me: Random. Don't you know me by now? lol Was just thinking and that thought occurred to me
Mo: It's not just hockey guys, they all suck
me: Oh boo. That's depressing to consider. Also, I love how MMKev talks to you about me, but not to me. What an idiot.
Mo: You are just figuring this out? lol
me: LOL no, miss. I'm just commenting. Applies to the whole ALL guys suck this lol
Mo: Hahaha

Unnoticed Noticeables

I read this quote recently in a Advice From A Single Girl's blog post: "It's funny the little things that become a part of your life without you even knowing. And the people that are a part of your day without them even knowing."

So true, so true.

It's the unnoticed noticeables that can really grab us by the throat sometimes. The daily routine you are forced to skip one day and it throws off your whole day. The absence of that really kind waitress who always serves you. Those little things that you never really notice until you do and often this is when they're gone. It's amazing the reaction we can have to the loss of something we think we are so unaffected by...

Texts

Talking to one of my BGF (best girl friends) about a guy earlier...
me: But that mustache...
Mo: Yeah. Needs to go
me: Yea they give you rashes when you kiss boys too much who have them
Mo: Ummm yeah
me: I have a problem with that. I like kissing lol

Texts

I miss my buddy who lives across the darn country...
me: what's your address? (holiday card time!)
JGamer: What in the world would you want that for?
me: to stalk you, of course
JGamer: My window is on the second floor, left hand side. You'll need a ladder.
me: A ladder? Geez you expect a lot lol
JGamer: Well how else are you going to stalk me when I'm in my room?
me: I was thinking old school - shadey van and binoculars
JGamer: Now you're talking!

Wise Wednesday

"The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." -Buddha

The Things I Keep

You know that saying "you are what you eat?" Well, what about the things you don't consume, but keep ... if I were to be judged by the things I keep, the things I have the most of, I'm not sure I'd like the translation. In cleaning for the holidays today, I've come to realize I seem to have a great deal of pens, panties, pictures, pills, books and loose tea.

I can't really explain the pens. For starters, I guess I've never really gone through and tossed out the ones that don't work. You grab a pen because you need one. If it doesn't work, you grab another ... I guess I should make tossing the dead ones part of the process from here on out. Also, if I come across good ones (as in, ones that make my hand writing look like more than chicken scratch), I want a lot of them and in different colors too, if possible.

I'm obsessed with cute panties - fun patterns, sexy ones, nice feel to them, good cut - whatever! I like panties. Buying them and putting them on makes me feel good. It's also like my own personal secret too. I might go out in sweats due to dirty laundry or an emergency errand, but guess what? I've got sexy underwear on. I might be wearing just jeans and a t-shirt out because I didn't feel like dressing up, but I've got super cute panties on. This is an obsession that has caused me the need to devote a couple drawers to my panties.

Pictures - I have so many and not enough places to put them. Pictures from college, family, friends, flowers around the yard, old photos from when I was little, drunk nights out, etc. I keep thinking I'll start putting them on my walls, but I don't know...

The pills. Well, I'm not some druggies that's for sure, but I guess if you looked at my shelf of pills, you'd wonder. Yes, I have a whole shelf of pills. It's other pills though like epilepsy medication, supplements because of that medication, vitamins, birth control, cold meds, etc.

The books and the loose tea somewhat go together I guess. I love reading and if I see a fun book or an interesting one, I often pick it up. I also have the habit of holding on to books I enjoy (most of them) in case I want to re-read them or because no one has ever worded something so perfectly as one line in one book. It's bad. I've been trying to slim down my collection of books and drink my tea before purchasing new kinds to try or picking up old favorites.

The Internet Doesn't Allow Us To Forget...

Bredbo Valley View Farm (yea, I go through all kinds of very random blogs) had a post recently that included this quote:

I read an article today about a judge who believes the internet doesn’t allow us to forget. His opinion is that in the past, pre digital days, people would forget bad things people had said or done and over time forgive them for their indiscretions. However, in today’s digital world everything lasts forever and nothing disappears over time. A bit like the Blog – here forever...

This message seems to be kicking my as… smacking me (and some blogger buddies I know of) around a lot recently.

It’s undeniable that the internet, especially blogs, can bring up things we would normally lock away in our journals and set aside … not only emotionally, but physically as well when that journal has been filled and put away somewhere. I find the insight that can be shared here by some in comments could be rewarding while I’m at this very lost juncture in my life right now, but there are moments when I’m not sure if it’s worth it to be candid here...

dear boys

dear boys (two in particular),

I am highly intoxicated and would be calling you if I had your number.

Thanks and have a splendid night.

Wise(A$s) Wednesday

(412): oh alcohol, you are my abusive boyfriend, and no matter how sore I am the next morning, I still go back to you- MDT

Broke, broke girl prepping for the holidays

This broke, broke girl is suffering from a couple paper cuts, randomly finding glitter everywhere and I believe that the weird burning sensation on my one finger is from when I glued it to a few things earlier today with the spray adhesive.

::sigh::

Oh well, it's all for the sake of being crafty to continue to be a good friend by figuring out gifts I can afford while still being cute. At least what I figured out for this year is a step up from the Santa ornaments I made from oyster shells when I was like 12. :) Cute, crafty and there's glitter and ribbons involved. Oh! And they're great "holiday"/seasonal gifts too - not just Christmas.

Maybe I can find a job before (in?) the new year??? I know you don't need lots of money this time of year to show your love, but I'd like a little to spoil my friends (and self) right now. No man, no money, no job and my family is falling apart. 2009 has definitely not rocked! Thank gawd for my ladies though ... my ladies and alcohol and dancing :)

Son of a b*tch, I think I just found adhesive in my hair...

Signs?

From Wednesday 12/2/09...

me: didn't I JUST say I wanted to forget all about hockey players? My mom found a magazine with a huge article on {local NHL player} and brought it home for me. Damn it!!!

Mo: Ha! Signs, signs everywhere!
me: I don't want to think about that. You mentioned his bely and girly matching wallet - there are days my clothes barely match, let alone my accessories ~ It'd have to be an EXTREME case of opposites attracting for anything to work with us lol
Mo: You always look nice. Stop! ... Remember, he wanted you and took initiative with you. You didn't drape yourself over him.

Hockey Tonight

Tonight I'm going to the local AHL game and, afterwards, Bean's younger brother's local hockey team is playing at the Wachovia Center. I'm really excited for him ... and the fact that just about all my best girl friends (BGF) are gonna be there too: AliCat, Bean, DrL and Mo. Exciting!! Plus, it's hockey. :)

Here's hoping for some good fights!!

Wise Wednesday

"We are still masters of our fate. We are still captains of our souls." -Winston Churchill

Best/Worst

What are the best things ant the worst things in your life?? And when are you going to get around to whispering or shouting them?

Hindsight

I wrote this about a week ago: "I don't know how to tell my friend (Mo) she's coming off stuck up and is going to ruin things with the guy she likes ... and ruin things for me with the crush I have on her guy's friend..."

Well, now I feel bad because that's not the case...

I thought last weekend could have gone differently. He was on 3 hours of sleep, beat, and yet he still came out and sat down with people that Mo knew. She could have gone over to say "Hi" and "I'm glad you decided to come out" or something - that's not going out of her way or being creepy or chasing. I mean, she knew other people there, she told him we were out, so that'd be ok, that'd be meeting him halfway after he'd made the effort to come out when he said he wasn't really up for it. Anyway, we were standing with a bunch of people he didn't know (guys too, for that matter), so I can see why he didn't approach us that night. I'll give him that. She didn't approach him though and he didn't approach her and so they never ended up talking at all when he left several minutes after showing up.

However, a few nights ago the situation was completely different - no logical excuses I can think of for him this night. For starters, Mo was facing the window, so when he showed up, I said "hi" and waved to him when I saw him. I figured I'd try to grab his attention for her, be friendly since I had met him before. Then, Mo said hi too and waved. So, we both saw him, caught his attention and said hi.

Unlike the first time, we weren't wandering around or talking to other people this time either ... no, this time we were by ourselves with an empty table next to us - there is no reason this crazy analyzing mind of mine can come up with that he didn't come over to talk if he actually likes her or has any interest. Once again, he showed up, basically blew her off and left. I don't get it! And, believe me, I've been thinking about it because I know how frustrated and stressed Mo is about this whole thing.

::sigh::

I think I just generally feel bad today from lack of sleep and the way this weekend went. I hate the swirling emotions that have been going on this weekend. Friday found me feeling upset and threatened and defensive and like I'd have to honestly fight someone ... or get one of the guys to toss that creep out for me. Last night ended up being not what I (or anyone, I think) was expecting: a random group and an early night. Plus my favorite hockey team lost (caught the end of the game at the bar). Then, AliCat had to go and get defensive over a general comment I made. I'm still all, I don't know, flustered about that ... no matter how much I've tried to brush it off. It's not my fault she took a general comment of mine to be so personal. Not my fault I have a different opinion of things. We're both single now, so I don't know why she thinks her way of things are so much better than mine.

I'm going to go home, take a bath and maybe the rest of the day will make up for this whole weekend ... but I'm not counting on it. Hope I can shake this funk.

Texts

Mo forwarded me this from her friend who works with DCrush and Reg ... not sure if it's the two of them OR if Mo's friend is referring to WEEKS ago OR if this is total bull, but still: Oh she {that'd be referring to me} has her plate full ... no room for me. She has 2 guys competing for that shit.

Ugh, say what?!

Texts

Mo: Turn on Comcast
me: can't I'm on the road, what's on?
Mo: They were interviewing DCrush and Reg
me: oh god. Honestly, I am so torn over those two right now that's not even funny
Mo: I bet
me: Hahaha. I like DCrush, but Reg was actually surprisingly nice
Mo: Yeah... that's a tough call
me: I don't think I can like Reg because with how he sounds - like how he was, that's just too much drama and I don't need anymore in my life. I'll just get myself hurt
Mo: Don't be scared. You can't judge him on his past. People change. He seems like a good guy

what a morning...

First off, I had the most ridiculous dreams last night. They were riddled with everything from that night several weeks ago: the 800 different way things could have gone, the fact I should have had more guts, the fact the night was absolutely amazing and what could still go on from here.

I'm attempting to embrace a few things about that night as well:

- Doesn't matter how I came across because I know how I truly am and I don't even need all my fingers to count the number of guys I've slept with ... so if I came off like some hockey whore, whatever! Because I'm not. I'm not even close to a whore in general.
- my sister's take on DCrush being shy: "Lame then" lol <3 her
- There are many reasons I shouldn't be alive and here today, I'll be more brave in the future
- That night rocked!
- It was several weeks ago, nothing I can do now

Also, the knowledge of the fact I did someone's jager bomb has come back to my memory. This might explain distinct parts of the night. One way or another, my clothes come off when I drink jager - skinny dipping, flashing, sex ... all these things have happened when jagermeister became involved in my night - like the infamous first bonfire/hot tub party when we drank an entire bottle, ending up swimming out to the island in the lake and bikini tops ended up in the cooler after we drank all the beer in there ... not to mention, I found boxers the next day outside the hot tub, in the recyclables bin and someone's got thrown into the bonfire too

After all that dreaming, I woke up early after obviously not sleeping well, found the warmest clothes I could (like an XXXL red sweatshirt and sweatpants from my alma mater) and as I wandered out for my shake, my mom told me my cousin called at 7:30 AM. I had just seen him Saturday night at the bar where I watched the hockey game and he teased me.

What was half the reason he called so early that morning?? He was worried about me. He wished I wanted to date some guy in an orchestra instead of some hockey player. He's afraid I'm gonna go out, see one of those "jerk hockey guys" out with other girls and get hurt ... and he can't protect me from a hockey player like he could some orchestra geek. He "doesn't want to end up with his shirt over his head and getting his teeth punched out" since that's what hockey players do. Oh, and he added that there's a bartender at the bar we were at that's working and going to school that's interested in me.

Thank you, cuz. I love you too.

After telling me this, my mom heads out the door with my dad to go get horse feed. So, there I am, taking in this conversation (and concerns) from my cousin with my rumbled hair, extra big sweatshirt and pants on, homemade breakfast shake in hand and what do I see?? A stretch limo pulling in my driveway. First thought: Well, it's not a Hummer...

not that I want Prince Charming (or hockey hunk) showing up while I looking like that anyway! I walk out my door, the picture of cold morning beauty (not!) and wait at the base of the porch for whoever this is to step out when I hear the twang of a family friend's voice before she emerges. She's there to show off one of our horses to some people who might know someone that wants to buy him ... and apparently she's there to repeatedly insult me as well. I took this in stride though, too tired to fight and remembering that the last time when I called her out, she just called me bitchy.

So, yea, what a morning! I felt plagued with thoughts, loved by my cousin, relaxed overall and then repeatedly poked in a bruise by this friend as she keeps talking about my family problems like I'm not aware and living with it all. Ack...

Halloween '09

Sure, this is pushing like a week late, but whatever. :)

Who had an awesome Halloween?? I know I did!

I packed my stuff up the morning of the 31st, grabbed our tickets and headed over to AliCat's so we could head to the hockey game. It was her first game and what a lucky girl she was!

First off, I got our seats changed to the lower level with my medical necklace ... maybe that's wrong, but the one time I had to sit up in the 200 level for a period, I couldn't move - I didn't even stand for the flag! All I kept thinking was, "One, two, three, four and then over... If I seize, I'm just going to roll right over these people and then over the barrier." Maybe that's paranoid because I haven't seized in a long time, but I go head first, no warning ... I don't like walking up steps with the damage I've done to myself just standing in the kitchen, let alone being so high I'm above the TV thing! I was paralyzed with fear up in that 200 section!

Ok, so in our new seat location, we sit down and we're right behind the freaking goalie for the other team (which means behind our team's for the 2nd period) and only 11 rows back...

Though my uncle was right behind the penalty box at center ice, nothing opened up around him so AliCat and I stayed where we were to watch the game and it was a great one! There were some incredibly good fights, some shoving by the other players and they won - an awesome, awesome win! Out of 40 shots on him that afternoon, our goalie saved 39 of those! All with us just 11 seats off the ice.

AliCat and I joked the entire time and stood up cheering for points and fights. I think the only downfall to the game was that we got stuck in ridiculous traffic on the way out. We made the most of it thought by rolling down the windows and blasting Bruce Springsteen. Car passengers nearby were definitely laughing - so were we :)

AliCat and I were starving at this point, so we texted friends we were meeting soon, Bean and DrL, to see what they wanted and ordered some Chinese food and sushi on our way back to AliCat's apartment. We ate, watched some weird Lifetime movie and got ready to go out. DrL and Bean showed up just in time to catch me in the deli below AliCat's apartment buying candy (I got such a craving!). We took some pics and then headed out to a friend's Halloween party.

Sadly, the party was not thrilling. Yea, it was early and all, but you know how first impressions are - no one else was really in costume and almost everyone was paired up, so the ladies I brought along with me were not thrilled and wanted to leave. I stayed around long enough to see the hostess and for a few new people to show, but then we headed out. AliCat stated behind since she knew a few more people than Bean or DrL did.

I texted my girl Mo and she was just getting ready to head out - I still had time to get there! Fate perhaps? Though I thought we were going to this one place, she and her friends were going somewhere else entirely - Philly! What a night! We watched that awful Phillies game and then our friends' band finally started up! Aside from some fat, drunk bitches trying to dance on top of some table and spilling beer on me, it was great after that. I was sober enough to not succumb to the urge to kill any of those girls lol

Oh, and I drove home in my tank top and panties (yay for NOT getting pulled over for being on the road at 3/4 AM - time change that night, remember?) since my corset and skirt smelled so awfully of beer.

Single Broke Female

I follow a blog by a girl referred to as "Single Broke Female". Boy does that describe me to a "T" as well.

I'm having several problems with this...

1) I can't find a job. Just yesterday I sent my resume out to about 10 different places, but I don't have my hopes up about any of them. The jobs I have had offered to me were sh*t pay or had an awful commute. I know I can't expect some miraculous job with the way the economy is right now, but I can't comprehend taking a job where I'd be getting paid less or the same as I am getting through unemployment. Not to mention, if I'm going to take a job for about the same amount, I really need one that comes with medical insurance because of my epilepsy.

2) I'm just not motivated to do anything right now. No matter how much I want something or how many times I tell myself I need something, I haven't been doing it. Working out, medication, writing, etc. It's awful because I get upset that I'm not doing these things or the risk I'm taking with my meds, but I just can't seem to get myself started or set in a routine. I'm going to start working on this, really. I'm going to start making time, setting reminders for myself and taking some responsibility. I know it's important. I know that.

3) I'm not good with not living the way I want or denying myself things. I rarely buy new clothes - let alone like $70 shirts, so if I see a nice shirt I want or really cute earrings, I usually still buy it now. THANKFULLY I'm not a big spender in general otherwise this shopping problem of mine could be awful lol And do you know how often I hear "I can't go out. I'm really short on money" from my friends? I f*cking hate it because, no! I have no money, but I'll still use a like 40 miles worth of gas to come hang out with you and drive home after. Time with my friends keeps me sane, they are valuable to me, vital even. So, I don't consider it a hassle to go out and meet friends like some people seem to make it out to be.

4) On that bit about seeing my friends and such, I'm aware you only live once - one time. So, right now, even though I have no job and no job in sight, I'm going to Boston for New Years Eve. My friend wanted to go, our hockey team will be there for the Winter Classic game the next day and you only live once. So, I'm going and I'll figure it out. I could not be more excited. I don't care if we go and just end up drinking in our fancy hotel room (because, yea, if we're going there, we're going to stay in the same fancy hotel as our hockey team too) the entire time - it'll be different, it'll be something I never forget and a once in a lifetime opportunity I didn't pass up.

Though all of the above is about money, it's undeniable I'm single too. I'm hoping if I start working on myself that maybe that'll change too. I'm so tired of being alone.

I did see this quote on tumblr earlier: "Sometimes in your life you need lust. You need the adrenaline rush of knowing that this is not forever & that you're not committed to anything." For some reason that made me feel better about everything that went on last week. It doesn't matter how I might have seemed last week. I know I'm not like that all the time and I had fun being like that for the night. So, whatever. Fun times.

Ah, yes, and single broke female I remain...

things I have found...

over the past 7 years I have been moving... into my college apartments and out of them each year, into my condo, then out of it when I lost my license (seizures) and moved back on campus, from my home of 20 years to my parents' new home, to my apartment and back to my parents'. Needless to say, there are boxes and boxes of things I have just never unpacked. Here's a random list of the things I have found/come across while diving through my closet today in and around some of these boxes (cause god knows things have just fallen and gotten lost in between too)...

- 2 random chargers, sadly they do not fit my current phone

- bank statements

- school girl costume (perfect timing though I already have one for tomorrow)

- 2 computer games

- broken head phones

- my favorite green thong

- several socks

- some cute shoes I had forgotten and one lonely strange (ugly) one I don't recall buying

- flavored sex lube - sounds gross, but I swear, it's so good I used to occasionally eat it like candy (I embrace my weirdness)

- contact cleaning solution

- 2 winter scarves, 3 dressy scarves, 2 shawls

- various bathing suit pieces

- the wrap around tie thingy to my robe (this has been missing FOREVER!!)

- stones I used to keep for luck and love and passion

- a necklace I l-o-v-e and forgot I had

XXX***

Sundays are always fun out at this bar in South Philly. Mo and I head over there, have a couple drinks, usually dance, talk, hang out, etc. Doesn't matter if it's just Mo and me or a bunch of ladies we know meeting up - Sundays are always a nice change of pace.

Sometimes, when we're extra lucky, some gorgeous guys who also happen to be play hockey end up coming out to this bar too. This Sunday that happened! And nice guys were out too and one in particular that Mo likes and has randomly talked to on and off. He vanished outside for a bit and I told Mo she should go out. She said she wasn't just going to walk out after him like some creeper chasing after him. Knowing she'd need an excuse, I told her to play with her phone and use that as her excuse as to why she stepped out. She still wasn't going. After a few minutes though, she grabbed me and we headed outside

There he was (we'll call him 2A) along with one of his teammates, Reg - I introduced myself to both the guys and while Mo talked to 2A, I spent my time talking to Reg some. All I kept thinking was: He's gorgeous!! (and was seeming really nice)

The night goes on, we're drinking, dancing, Mo's getting flirted with and telling me I've got eyes on me (some girls just say this, but I'm not kidding -ask Mo- I am OBLIVIOUS to that). We were over by the guys for awhile, and I was right by this one guy I've been crushing on, DCrush. Sadly, the most interaction I had with him was when he asked me to pass a shot to someone ... oh, and at one point I saw him grab Mo's ass - excellent! (not!)

Reg, on the other hand, came up to me at some point, bumped into me (on purpose) and we started talking a bit more. Later in the night, he said his friend was having a party and asked if I'd come over. The friend he was referring to was 2A who had actually already invited Mo, so I was going ... and so was DCrush, apparently, though he hadn't said much to me at all - I'm not kidding when the handing the shot thing over was about all he said to me.

I could've made a move on DCrush - don't think I didn't consider it: at the bar, I sat there for awhile just wondering if I could get the guts up to just walk up to him, introduce myself and throw out something slick like, "So, I have a slight crush on you." Later, at 2A's, I sat down on this ottoman thing between Mo and DCrush and was thinking, "I could just go over and sit on his lap or the arm of his chair." HOWEVER I didn't know he was interested in me and Reg was obviously interested in me and had asked me to 2A's ... so, it came down to taking the chance of getting shot down by my crush (DCrush) OR spending more time with the guy who's obviously interested in me (Reg).

After leaving the bar, Mo and I got into Mo's car to find these guys in the parking lot their cars were in and the plan was to follow them over to 2A's. I swear, I felt like I was going to be sick. My nerves plus all the alcohol I had was not mixing well. I'm blaming that damn sweet twisted tea someone bought me -don't know who- I don't like Twisted Tea, but I guess whoever thought I did since Mo's empty was sitting in front of me. I didn't puke, but it definitely felt like a sure thing for awhile there. Waiting for everyone to get together, Reg leaned into our waiting car window and started free styling to a song Mo had on in her car. the whole thing was a little surreal, too funny and he was really cute.

The 'party' was more like a handful of people. Our three girls actually ended up leaving not too long after getting there too. After I walked them out, I walked back in and there I was with 2A and Mo (obviously together), Reg on the sofa with them with a space open from where our one friend had gotten up when she left and then DCrush was in a chair off to the one side. I, wisely, sat down on like a little ottoman right between the sofa and the chair DCrush was in ... but it didn't take long before Reg asked me to come sit between him and Mo ... and I did.

DCrush still hadn't really said a thing to me and not too long after I moved to the sofa, he actually left ... don't think for a moment I wasn't completely upset by this. I kept pinching Mo as DCrush was getting up, putting on his sweatshirt and as he walked out ,,. I kept pinching her and squeezing her hand. I was so torn. He said goodnight at the door and I was thinking to myself, "Get up. Get up! And ask to go with him" ... but I didn't. I was too nervous he'd say no - not to mention, Mo was my ride and she was obviously staying with 2A.

I stayed and not long after DCrush left, Mo ended up going upstairs with 2A, the guy she's liked and was finally getting some alone time with. I was left on the sofa with Reg ... I'm not complaining, but it definitely felt a little awkward. We talked for awhile about his family, places he'd lived, I asked him what the most random part of living in outside the country was compared to here and if he liked it around here. We started kissing and such. Going outside of my character, I slept with him even though we just met - I've never done that! But he was such a good kisser and so nice. It was good and loud and so amazing ... especially after the stupid, boring jerk I was with last (I don't know why I wasted so much time on BandJ).

Mo woke me up around 6 AM to leave and it felt like I had just fallen asleep with Reg (I was so warm next to him even though we just had a sheet in 2A's spare room). We dropped Reg off and he asked if he had my number. I think he heard "Yea" when I said "Nah" and so I don't know if I'm ever even going to talk to him again ... probably not, I'm guessing, since the entire night was so random.

There's always consequences for me though! Apparently DCrush was interested in me too, but shy - too shy to say a damn thing, I guess. Damn it, damn it, damn it ... and he saw me with Reg - I mean, DCrush left me there. He was there and left. So now, what could have been a ridiculously good night, is being like overshadowed with me feeling kinda whore-ish for sleeping with Reg when I just met him AND feeling like I fucked up any chance I had with DCrush.

Yea, he left and who knows what could have gone on from there (I could've been a good, lil angel and done nothing) ... but I'm sure he's gonna find out if he hasn't already. They had practice this morning, a train ride to DC at some point, etc and not only do I know 2A heard us, Reg's got to have bite marks on him too - it's a bad habit I'm normally ok not doing, but when I slide my teeth over him and apologized, he encouraged it and I loved it ... keeps me a bit quieter lol

Here's the things I've been realizing about the whole situation: I was interested in DCrush. I am interested in him. He's adorable and seems fun. But I hadn't done more than like kiss a guy since JULY and Reg was hitting on me. I wish DCrush had, but Reg did - so I was alone with him. I'm just having a horrible time in general, I guess, because I'm bad with random, random sex is not something I do.

Sunday was a couple firsts for me: NEVER have I slept with someone the first night I met them and never have I slept with someone I might never even see again (he doesn't have my number). I just hadn't slept with anyone in so long and I wanted something good and a distraction from everything else in my life. Not to mention, I can't deny I didn't like Reg when I first saw him. He's gorgeous, but I never even considered crushing on him or coming up with silly ideas of being with him. He's so damn put together and I'm known to never wear matching socks when I do wear shoes - come on now! Then, on top of all that, DCrush is adorable and I'm afraid that's completely messed up now so I'm definitely beating myself up.

So, yea, I'm completely torn about the night. I'm just not all that good with random. It's absolutely not something I do, so to look kinda whore-ish when I'm definitely not sucks. And then there's also like this big sign that keeps flashing is: You slept with some guy you'll probably never hear from again AND your crush was interested in you, but that's all ruined now. Agh. I don't know how to feel about all of this - it's just too much.

"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."" -Robert Sexton

good times

Yesterday was ridiculous and so random. My goodness do I love random because it seems that the random times are just the absolute best adventures! Tonight: good tunes in the city (played by the band AliCat is in), our friend CK was able to come out and there was dancing! Wonderful, swing your arms, rock your hips dancing to some funky tunes. I needed a night like tonight. Thakn you, randomness :)

That's not even the most random part of the day though. That morning was ridiculously random! Last weekend Mo and I were going to go watch the local NHL team's practice. As you may recall, I have had a silly crush on one of them. Sadly, the day my friend was off that week, they were already on the road for pre-season games. So, we decided to go out this week ... only while I'm on my way to Mo's, she texts me that they're not practicing in local that day. Ut oh, it's a game day! Oh well, I keep driving, according to her friend (who works for them), they're in Philly and he said to just come over. So, we head off to Philly to the Wachovia Center.

We get there ... and the doors are locked. Several employees we ran into outside didn't even know they were practicing there and Mo couldn't even get a hold of her friend who told us to come over & come in. Ahh! It all seemed so embarrassing, disappointing and, well, what a waste of a morning!

We find one more person to talk to, who gets someone else, who was actually aware of the practice going on ... but he says it's closed to the public. Pretty much: "Game day, sorry your friend told you to come, but when they're here, no public allowed." :( Mo says her friend's name when the guy asks us again who told us we could just come in and when she told him, the guy went, "Oh. Oh, {Mo's friend name}. Follow me," calls her friend and says to him, "Yea, there are these two girls here to see you. I'm going to bring them in and put them right behind the box." Right behind the box?! You mean where all the guys are?! And no one else is in there?!! Excuse me while I die since I don't look nearly as good as I could if I thought we were gonna have this kind of morning. Damn, damn, damn.

We head inside and the whole place is empty ... empty except for me, Mo and the players on the ice practicing. Oh my goodness! Mo goes: "They're all staring!!" I didn't know what else to say: "Uh, yea! Two ladies just walked in when no one is supposed to be here!!!"

Her friend comes out (cute) and we're talking to him. Not even 5 minutes after he's out there, out walks Mr. Good-looking in sweats and watching the ice. Oh my goodness. I don't know how I didn't die on the spot. Too much for me to handle. All the disappointment earlier, then all this - the empty center, us, the ice, the guys and him. Oh geez. Just stand there and look gorgeous, I'm ok with that. I can handle that, right? lol

This all led to ridiculous silly conversations that night too, of course, with Mo.

What a day, what a day. Need to rush out the door now though ... heading out to go camping this weekend - yay! :)

oh crushes

One of the guys AliCat befriended during college is adorable. Adorable! Once the stars collided and we made out, kissed and – I stopped it. My drunkenness had me babbling that AliCat is my friend, my best friend, and I didn’t know what she’d think of us making out. I should have kept on with the direction that was heading instead of stopping him, damn it.

Anyway, that kissing night was like two or three years ago and I haven't really seen him since. Tonight really was unexpected ... he lives so damn far away (stupid North Jersey) that I don’t expect to see him around here much – even for his best friend’s house warming party. But he was there and I got to see him this afternoon! It was nice to see him ... even if he does apparently have a gf now (boo!/lucky girl!!).

Later, of course, AliCat teased me that I liked him and I said, “Totally. He’s just so ridiculously hot and you love him (they’re like best friends), so he’s got to be a first class guy”

It's only in hindsight and after I stopped the kissing that night that I found out AliCat would have been all for that - all for, what she said, two of the best people she knows getting together. She's so cute and sweet! :) Oh and a funny side conversation came up tonight while we were talking (after she teased me about liking him):
AliCat: yea but he lives in north jerz. that's too far anyways
me: i was in central for awhile and his gf is in Boston lol
AliCat: yea. i don't know. i couldn't do that haha
me: lol I know, I like sex too much ... but it could work lol
AT THE SAME TIME SHE SENT
AliCat: i like sex too much to have that distance ~ lol weird!
me: if it's worth it, you make it work ~ LOL LOL
AliCat: i was typin that same thing
me: lol and too funny ~ oh well, I'll wish them the best ... and if it doesn't work, that I run into him then lol
AliCat: totally

I think it’s just too, too funny that we typed our one distance issue at the same time and that it was the same thing. Oh geez! :)

Wish I’d kept kissing him that night. Wish I saw him more. Wish he lived closer. Hell, I’d settle for him just being single now lol I’ve dated a guy from a distance :) I made that work and I wasn't half as interested in him as I have been for so long with AliCat's friend.

Seeing him today, geez, I’m barely talking because I was just thinking: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Do you remember kissing or were you too drunk?" “Come stand by me.” “Say something (this isn’t just directed to him, but at myself too lol)” “Kiss me again, please" "Any time, any place, let's get back to where we were that night” lol “Pull me aside and kiss me. I'd be completely ok with that.” I do much better putting myself out there kissing than I do having to express myself with words lol And my oh my I'd like to do so much more than kiss him, like strip off his clothes and just run my hands all over him and such... :)

"Meet me in the sheets
I’ll kiss you like I’ll never
feel your lips again."
-Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

Ahh, ::sigh:: I like that haiku and its appropriate. This one too:
“It’s always better
to fall asleep hand in hand.
Reach out for me now.”
- Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

Yea, reach out for me. I'd love curling up with you at night, I'm sure.

PS- Some of the weirdest things come up when you search for a image relating to "T" lol

run away

I want to run away and I think this view and bed might be able to fix me a bit.

And I wonder how far it'll take me to run away -Pink

09/09/09

09/09/09 has come and gone.

At least it was a pretty productive day, I guess...
- I got my foster kitten out of my room and into the hallway so she'll become more adjusted to a house.
- I cleaned up where she had been in my room - kittens are a mess! She had torn up paper and toys all over the place.
- I took my dad in the truck to the dump to get rid of our trash & recyclables ... and this was done without any yelling - that's a really big deal when dealing with his disease and that task.
- Went over to my aunts' to let out the dogs and none of them attempted to eat dirt or ignore me when it was time to go back in the house In fact, I also got a super cute photo of the one as well
- Did a load of laundry
- Had a super nice dinner and coffee with an old friend
- I got mostly caught up with Tumblr stuff (I am determined ti figure out music!!) and...
- I'm almost finished Dead and Gone (yay Ch 10)

Now, I just need a good day with a job. I need a job desperately!

**SPOILER ALERT**
"Then I am high-handed," Eric said with no shame whatsoever. "I'm also very..." He dipped his head and kissed me slowly, leisurely.

"Horny," I said.

"Exactly," he said, and kissed me again. "I've worked with my new masters. I've shored up my authority. I can have my own life now. It's time I claim what is mine."

Wedding Silliness

So, my beautiful, beautiful friends, Perfect Couple, got married recently! The actual ceremony was beautiful and short - yay! Sorry, but true - a long, drawn out ceremony where you can barely hear anything and maybe have bad seats is just awful. A complaint from Perfect Couple's ceremony is hard to even pin down. I guess, the sun got in my eyes at one point, but I had my sunglasses lol so reall - no complaints at all :)

Another great part of their wedding was that the reception was at the same place where the ceremony had been held outside. So, we all just walked inside! And the best part? Prepare yourself for this... there was a photo booth!!!! Too fun! It took 6 photos, 3 you kept and 3 were cut off and put into a little photo album you could sign for the couple. Recently, Perfect Couple got a CD with all the photos taken in the photo booth that night. Too funny!

And the final story I would like to just completely forget, but to my horror, a photo captured the exact moment my mind shut down and my body was going on, I guess, sheer gut reaction. The scene: a beautiful reception with the lovely bride standing in front of all her single lady friends and family. The bouquet is tossed and the "normal" ladies jump in happiness, anticipation and competition to catch it. I guess I'm not that normal...


That's right: the bouquet came flying in my direction ... and I ducked in fear(?)! LOL I can't explain it and Kris caught the bouquet instead - good for her. Apparently I'm not prepared to be next in line to be married yet (good thing, since I almost didn't find a date to this wedding)

::sigh:: Oh well, maybe I'll be ready next time :)

hoping for silly things...

There was a crazy party last night that I went to hoping to run into someone who was supposed to be there - he's not all that nice, but so cute - ah, story of my life (I need to work on that bad habit). He ended up not showing, sadly, but other athletes were there and one was pretty cute (note: noticing someone else isn't bad. Like I said, this guy I was hoping to see I've barely even talked to. He's also simply a cute guy I've seen out a few times and developed a crush on since he's so damn attractive). Anyway, anyway - I didn't want to just approach this random cute guy at the party though. I'm a bit shy at times and was, secretly, hoping he'd approach me - especially with Mo repeatedly telling me that this guy was checking me out.

However, because of who these guys are, there are these hoochie girls that hang around and pretty much throw themselves at the athletes (and their friends too if necessary). It's awful and so, so disgusting. Let's just say that half the things I have heard that some of these girls have done I would never even think up, let alone consider. Ick! Ick! Ick!

I want to go out on a date, hang out, talk some and just chill. I keep going out to places like that party last night or this South Philly bar we see the athletes out at and I go thinking these guys will suddenly realize I have a lot to offer and approach me. In reality though that's not the case. When it comes to these guys, I just can't seem to compete with girls willing to get like gang banged ... and I would never sink to that that level. In fact, last night when the cute guy was finally alone (after he'd been with this one girl who was at some point with one of like three different guys), my friend was like: "Now's your chance. Go up to him." All I could think was (oh, and I said this out loud too), "Ugh, no. An STD was not my goal for the night."

So what do I do? I try to comfort myself with the thought they're athletes and probably too dumb to have a conversation with anyway. Sad and shallow of me, but true.

This Sunday

So there is a fundraiser this weekend that I've been so excited about and planning on attending. Though I could absolutely use some eye candy (to the left, to the left lol) right now, I just don't know.

The friend who I'd normally go to this particular fundraiser with is actually already going with someone else and I feel, well, replaced. I feel Mo says she misses me and that she's upset we're never getting together anymore, but I feel like she's quite easily replaced me at the same time too. How bad can you miss me if that's the case? Do you even consider me a friend or am I just someone you can get to tag along? (This replacement girl is NOTHING like me, not to mention I'm kind of rare lol)

Oh well, I'm not feeling well, so maybe I'm just thinking crazy too. I don't know. Hopefully things work out though - both with this weekend and with Mo...

Desperate For A Date

Desperate for a date to Perfect Couple's wedding this weekend, I finally asked BandJ again ... even though he told me before that his schedule for August was "indefinitely closed" (jerk). I thought maybe with the wedding being just a week away, he might know better whether or not he'd actually be free and around. I mean, he was free and had an open schedule when I texted him about it again - not just free, but he actually called me - not just a text back, he called ... this was definitely shocking!

However, in our phone conversation BandJ ended up patronizing me pretty much the whole time and made me sound like such an inconvenience (reminding me he works in another state now, it's a new job, he asked for off, but who knew if the boss would allow it, all the driving, etc) and then he even asked several times, "How bad do you want me there? How bad?"

Uh! I wanted to vomit. Ok, maybe not vomit, but I did honestly fight the urge to hang up. The best I could do was "Well, I need a date" and "Don't do me any favors." I just felt like he thought I was right under his thumb and he was really enjoying it ... where as, in reality, I've been tormented over what to do about him. I don't like him anymore - for me to get to this point is just amazing. Normally I'm holding on tightly even as guys like him neglect me or try to brush me away or treat me awfully ... and he certainly has. Not just before, but this time around too. That conversation alone, patronizing me like I need things broken down and as if just talking to me is some sort of favor from him to me - please!

But I needed a date, so I fought the urge to vomit and/or hang up ... and his 2/3rds of a yes (he had off, but his new job might call for overtime this weekend, which would mess everything up, so he wasn't going to say yes when I asked, but would let me know Monday night - yesterday) turned into a yes to him being free and my date for Perfect Couple's wedding. Wasn't I happy?! - he actually asked me that! Happy wasn't exactly the right word...

However, between BandJ's 2/3rds of a yes and definite yes, I asked someone else to go with me too. I ran into DancingD at a keg party last week and he's just always nice to see - funny, smiley, seems like he's nice to everyone and seems to just fit in wherever - playing blackjack or talking politics. Though I only see him randomly, I've had fun every time I do, so I asked him. Why not!? I asked him and not long after BandJ's 2/3rds of a yes turned into a whole yes, DancingD said yes too! Not only that, but he said he didn't care that he wouldn't really know anyone or that he had to dress up. He seemed totally laid back and excited about the whole thing - what a relief ... and welcome change from how BandJ was acting about being asked.

So, how to uninvite BandJ??? Hmmm... I figure I had to since DancingD was so gracious to just agree to come, especially when me asking him must have seemed pretty random. He was doing me such a favor too since, honestly I was worried about going with BandJ. I saw the night with BandJ going two ways:

1) He'd be ridiculous nice, fun and charming and I'd end up liking him ... which would end up with him chastising me with some sort of conversation about how he likes his options and where do I get off developing feelings. The night would be good, but the repercussions would be awful.

OR

2) BandJ would end up being a big jerk. The night would be filled with sarcastic comments and his ego and him making those little digs at me like he can sometimes ... and maybe my friend Kris punching him in the nose if any of that was directed at her too (she knows him as well). It would be a miserable night.
Oh, and I figure either scenario would end with him expecting me to go home with him, which made me feel nothing but contempt - yes, I know there is something terribly wrong with the situation when I'm not looking forward to sleeping with him!!

There was no good way to tell BandJ. After talking with a friend, I figured a bit of a white lie was probably the most kind (and easiest) case for all ... and thankfully that's the route I went with since he ended up being not very nice at all even with my white lie.

me 12:52pm: I know you're off already and said you'd go, but someone else I asked is free and excited and knows Bean's date so I'm gonna go with him so they can hang out
BandJ: Dont ask me for nothing again. Go fuck yourself!

I didn't respond. Nothing good would come of it. Oh, and maybe it's silly, but it irks me. It's "ask me for ANYthing again", a$shole. I think that's what you were shooting for.

Hours later, he sent: Is this one of your stunts to throw in my face?

I didn't respond to that either, but I think that last comment pissed me off more than his first response. I don't pull that kind of childish bullsh*t and, I'm sorry, but, even if I did, you're not worth that effort. I'm not pulling any "stunts" now to throw in your face, nor have I before like you're implying.

I swear to god, BandJ has like his completely own made up memory of events.

Oh and just to make me feel a bit better, when I told Kris I found a different date than BandJ, it went like this:
me: I've got someone other than BandJ for the wedding :-) No need to worry about any
of his jerky sarcastic comments (which she had complained about recently ... he does seem to be full of them recently)
Kris: Woo hoo!

I shouldn't worry about him nor whether or not he likes me still or damage control, but I still kinda do. ::sigh:: He is mad now and maybe he'll stay mad, but I think Saturday is going to be an absolutely awesome time. That's what I'm going to focus on!

Totally unrelated, but still important: my thoughts go up and out to babcia. You're missed. I'm sorry I was too sick to be able to say goodbye. I know AliCat misses you terribly and so do I. Thanks for always being so smiley and treating me like family. All my love, Kocham cię

DC

DC - sometimes he responds, most times he doesn't. Honestly, I kinda wish he were in Philly because I could go for some inappropriate texting right about now lol

thank you for the reminder!

For some time I've been sleeping with this guy, BandJ.

Initially this year (I say "this year" because there's some history with BandJ) it was literally just sleeping in the same bed. BandJ was someone to cuddle with, talk to and a place to stay when I didn't feel like driving more than 10 minutes or so to climb into a bed - he's near where all my friends are whereas my parents' place is about a half hour from them.

I cannot even begin to explain how absolutely wonderful it was to curl up to watch a movie, climb into bed while talking about a cute guy I saw at the bar before I got to BandJ's or venting about friends, then snuggle up together and say goodnight. I'd wake up in the morning, maybe talk a little with his parents, get a kiss goodbye and head out the door. It was a strange, wonderful friendship, I thought.

More and more it has become less talking and joking and more so just sex and then sleeping and not much else. Well, as things have progressed to this point, it's also become increasingly obvious to me (whether because the things I enjoyed so much aren't a part of it anymore or in general) that he's simply a nice excuse to not be alone and a nearby bed ... and that is all he is to me. I'm not even sure at this point if I really like BandJ at all, maybe not even as a person. Over the time I've come to know him, I've realized I don't like many of his friends, I don't like his lack of a job, the fact he lives with his parents (yes, I live with mine, but my dad's sick - that's the only reason I'm still unemployed & living here ... aside from the fact the job market sucks too), I don't like how he can act so nice and then morph into a jerk, I don't like his hobbies (which just seem to be going to a friend's and drinking), his opinions often are highly off from mine or how he manipulates me and I certainly do not like his ego one bit.

Don't get me wrong, there are times I wake up, roll over and think, "Oh my god, he's gorgeous" and sometimes the sex is good and I can ignore the fact we barely talk like before. However to think back on just the hanging out, talking to him and compare it to now, I'm not a fan of who he is with me now when we're alone and I'm not a fan of myself at points for the things I put up with/do just to not have to go home some nights. I know this. I know all this ... and yet I still keep texting him and going there ... somehow I still haven't learned that something isn't always better than nothing.

I found myself there the other night - no sex with just a little bit of talking, but I was really tired, so it was pretty much right to bed ... and no cuddling up together, lots of snoring (on his part) and little sleep for me.

During my little sleep, I had the most random, realistic dreams. The one dream was so horrible, I woke up crying. Another one was just a huge red flag: we woke in the morning and BandJ sat down on the end of the bed, saying we needed to talk. He began to tell me how at this point, he'd normally be trying to find excuses to not see me, wouldn't answer my calls ... but that there was something about me. I was sticking. At this point in my dream, I cannot really recall what BandJ was saying because I started freaking out in my own head: "Oh no! Oh no! Is he going to say he has feelings for me? That he wants me to be his girlfriend? Oh no. Oh man, I don't like him. I don't like him at all." I'm thinking I don't like him and I was worrying he only wanted me to be his girlfriend because I let him treat me like crap and I keep coming back. Then, I found myself waking up in real life and rolling over next to him. Ah! Talk about mixed feelings...

Thank you for the reminder, brain, that I don't like this anymore ... Even my subconscious is reminding me while I am sleeping next to him!

This was way too early (still dark out), so I think I tried to fall back to sleep, but if I'm being completely honest here ... I wouldn't have even woken him up when I left if he hadn't needed to lock the door behind me. I felt so awkward. I think he said he'd call. I didn't hold my breath ... and he didn't call.

not so great expectations

For about 5 days I had fun conversations pretty frequently with DC - I love fun, flirty conversations! And some more... ah! Him biting my lip! Yum! Gawd that was great, especially compared to stupid BandJ telling me to be softer (ok, not that phrasing, but that was the jist). Oh my goodness there are a bunch of other complaints about BandJ as well, but I should try to bite my tongue.

DC left though and I guess things are just going to go back to being nothing... I waited a bit knowing he'd be busy settling in again when he got home, but I texted him after a day or so and didn't hear back from him...

I had like 1 response from him on Facebook in the month I've known him before he randomly showed up around here, so I guess I shouldn't expect much - if anything. I guess I just worry that, well, you know - can you say "Chick to just get some from while in Jersey"? Yea. I'm thinking that boy could have a girl in every state for all I know. I don't know him!

Whatever, we had good chemistry, I might never see him again and I really can't complain about how nice it was talking and joking with someone and then falling asleep in a king sized bed with them. :) You only live once and he definitely made my life a little more interesting - it was a good couple of days. Glad, I, uh, indulged and all. And it's not crazy to want more of a fun/good thing. I know not to expect much. I know that...

I definitely needed that and Czech Republic guy (CRG) to remind me I don't need to settle.

oOo (hold the X's)

Check out: http://kissez.tumblr.com/

I adore this tumblr website! It filled with kisses: cute kisses, sweet kisses, pretty settings for kissing, wedding kisses, random crazy places for kissing, morning kisses, hot kisses, etc. The whole site makes me want a guy just to be kissing in random places and taking pictures to post :)

BUYER BEWARE - TMI to follow ;)
... though I love all the pictures on the site, the pic I have posted on here to the right, is posted for a reason. DC kinda bit my lip like that when he was finishing - H.O.T. - totally worth the chapped lip afterwards lol I mean, it was all good, but that might have been my favorite part.

this sh*t

the sh*t I've had to deal with from BandJ ... incredible!!!!!!!!!

I ask him to come out, he says he will, I tell him my plans and he knows it's my last night house sitting, but when the time comes, he's MIA. Go figure! And then, when I call him out on it, he talks in circles, says I can't be acting like "he's mine" and calls me "nuts". I'm not sure how many ways I can spell "I don't want you" before it'll get through his thick freakin skull. I just expect someone to show up when they say they are going to ... cause there's other people I could have left with or invited over, jerkface BandJ!

I act possessive?! You're the one that approaches me when we're out, you're the one who got all bent out of shape for me talking to other guys who were hitting on my friend at a party, the one who gets pissy when I leave without saying goodbye, etc. Whatever.

I'm not sure why I'm surprised. I should have expected all this since he was like this before - calling me crazy, saying I was possessive when the only one guilty of that was him and just being plain mean until I'd give up trying to have a rational conversation. Ugh, and I'm pathetic since I keep going back and dealing with this crap all for a damn distraction from everything else right now ... he just gets so ugly and mean. Seriously. Whatever. I guess I should be glad he's not smart enough to realize that "I don't want to be with you" isn't all that awful and the only "nut" in the conversation is the one who hasn't caught on that I want nothing to do with that. Whatever.

Tired of Settling

This question came up on a survey today and I wanted to post it here. "What do you want in a relationship more than anything?"

What I wish for someone who:
- I'm comfortable with
- has their own hobbies and friends and a seperate life for me to appreciate and they in turn appreciate mine
- can cook
- has a sense of humor
- knows how to respect a woman, a person
- preferably works with their hands
- is honest
- can put up with me
- can hold my hand and pull my hair - and know which is the proper place for which lol
- sarcasm and random romance
- has strong ties to their family and a sense of their self
- works hard
- plays hard
- really dedicates themselves to the things they want to do and need to do.

Now, where do I find all that??? Cause, honestly, I'm sick of just settling: settling for the attention I get from undeserving people; settling for the lack of appreciation I get from people who should know I deserve better; settling for not getting credit; settling for what I'm pathetically offered; settling for second place ... settling, settling, settling. I'm tired of settling!

"I'm tired of charring my ass on your back burner" -Sam on True Blood ~ such a good quote!

46 Lessons of Life

stolen from Stephanie

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Like driving, slow down, look both ways and yield a little. You do not always have to be first.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift
46. Do a good deed everyday. Open a door, remember to say "thank you", smile, let someone in your lane of traffic. You may not know what effect it will have on them but it will make you feel better about yourself.

Be well, friends

Goal

Goal while away: To forget someone specific's (BandJ's) phone number ... oh, and maybe get a job offer too :-)

Simply put: rid myself of all my problems lol

What a weekend...

For the longest time I have had a crush on great aspiration for this older guy, for the person I assumed he was and the things he had. He was tall, fit (gorgeous), nice, is great with his daughter and I really respected the jobs he and his wife hold while still being married, parents and seeming happy. I’ve had this idolized view of him since I was a little girl too. So, imagine my disappointment when I see him out with someone who is not his wife. He’s making out with this woman, they were all over each other and left together. Oh, and I noticed all this after I had said hello to him (so he knew I was there) and after I had just told my friends what a great guy he was. I was shocked and totally heartbroken. Maybe “crush” does apply here because I was absolutely crushed as I saw all this go on and I’ve been pretty bummed out ever since. I mean, this is a guy I really thought was the perfect example of a good guy … and then I see that. Uh!

Here’s another fun-filled story for you and, lucky me, this was all the same weekend! This guy walked into the bar several weeks ago and, oh my god, he is so gorgeous! So, for weeks now I’ve been going out and maybe sort of hoping to see him again. Well, last night he was finally there and I made a complete fool out of myself when I finally did approach him. I clamed up and got pretty quiet because he was barely talking. I’m not sure how drunk he was then, but either way I felt pretty stupid.

I’m painfully, painfully shy when it comes to that sort of thing, so I guess I shouldn’t have expected much more out of myself. And what kind of girl approaches a guy with not much more in mind to say than “Um, you are gorgeous!” Ha! Actually the situation reminds me of this line from my favorite book: “She couldn’t speak to him. She wanted to, but was afraid when she opened her mouth that all her words would meld into a primitive moan.” I hate guys that make you feel like that – you’ve got no show when you can’t even form words :) I formed them, I just wasn’t very creative with holding a one sided conversation with, I’m guessing, a very drunk guy.

Whatever. I approached him, introduced myself and tried to start a conversation. That’s all good – all good things on my part. I mean, it’s not like he was going to fall head over feet for me after I approached him (sadly ::sigh:: hehehe). Not to mention, honestly, I would have kicked myself if I had passed up the chance at saying hello and never seen him again, so I guess I deserve some credit since I took advantage of the situation and introduced myself, plus his friend was super hot too and introduced himself to me after I approached them (oh yea, because I didn’t just approach the guy I’ve practically been drooling over, no I approached him and all his friends. Ah! Did I seriously expect that situation to go well???)

I could really go for some gummy bears right now…

Ahhh!

Stupid people with too much ego (when they don't deserve it) and not enough brains piss me off, especially this one-

background: this particular ass guy, BandJ, has started showing interest in hanging out again - being friends and seems to think we haven't been talking all this time like best pals because he's been "out of touch with everyone" instead of the fact that he was a total hurtful dbag the last time we talked. He texted me Saturdday night apparently wanting to know what I was up to, I didn't get a chance to get back to him until Sunday though...

You look like you got me at a good time Sunday.
? (<---- I was busy and that comment of his didn't just confuse me, but my friend too. No idea what he meant with it)
do i really have to say that in person for you to understand?
(after again confirming confusion with friend and figuring he wanted to brag about how he was busy Sunday and not getting back to me until tonight, Tuesday, I wrote:) No. I don’t care that much. Not bitchy, just honest. Draw back to text messages though – monotone
You texted me late the other night and of course you got to me too late.
(Too late to hang out? Uh, it was like midnight - of course it was late!) It was very late. I wasn’t asking to hang out, just getting back to your text from before
I know you weren’t. I just found it weird since you replied back more than 24 hours later. lol.
(seriously?! This from guy getting back to me Tuesday about a text I sent him Sunday? And the guy who wouldn't call me back for like a day or so when we were dating or whatever, oh, and always from somewhere ridiculously loud too, like a club or rowdy bar) Says the guy getting back to me now?? I told you I’ve been busy. I could have just not gotten back to you at all. (ok, that last part is kinda bitchy, but did he not want me to get back to him at all if it wasn't instantly after he sent the text Saturday?)
Chill out woman! Who pissed in your cereal? Your always flipping out when we talk. Take the convo the way it is and stop blowing it up.
(BandJ would do this constantly when we were dating too - I think just to make me look like a spaz, so doing it now via text isn't a good way to go if you want to be friends, idiot) Not flipping, though you seem to like to accuse me of that. Victim of that monotone thing maybe? Don’t know what you want
A normal convo. Can you type w/o your blood pressure going up? I would be talking in a normal way in person and you need medication.
(ask for a normal convo and then tell me I need meds, oh yea, that's gonna make everything all better) I’ve been pretty good but how can you expect a normal convo from here when you make comments like that? Honestly. Why do you wanna talk or see me when you’re just so hurtful? (more important question- why do I give him the time of day when he treats me so unnecessarily badly and is so mean?)
Your crazy. Now your bringing back up the past. You need to stop texting bc you honestly cant tell how messages are being said.
(I did stop texting at this point because 1)he kept texting worse and worse stuff and there wasn't enough room in FIVE text messages to correct all the shit he was trying to feed me and 2) that question I asked above about why he gets the time was rolling around in my head)
And plus I knew in the beginning after we both agreed about being friends I knew that’s not what you wanted. I saw it coming and you cant handle it. (I wanted to say, but didn't: 'I said I wanted a boyfriend that WASN'T you and said I'd have to think about us being friends. Then you categorized me, said we couldn't be friends and I couldn't talk to you anymore because you were being so unnecessarily hurtful. Your asinine comments and time have proven to me that I don't need someone so manipulative and hurtful like you in my life. You're not good - see what I mean about not enough space to write all that in one text???)
I don’t wanna talk or see you the way you think. im just talking to you bc I can bc you started texting me back so wake the fuck up (ahhh, why did I start texting him back?! Thanks for the "wake up" call and reminder that you're a jerk.)
And the comment was normal. You just wanna believ it wasn’t. Your an idiot. I cant even bust your balls. (I must be an idiot to keep talking to you and you must really think I am one if you think I believe any of your twisted version of the "truth")