hoping for silly things...

There was a crazy party last night that I went to hoping to run into someone who was supposed to be there - he's not all that nice, but so cute - ah, story of my life (I need to work on that bad habit). He ended up not showing, sadly, but other athletes were there and one was pretty cute (note: noticing someone else isn't bad. Like I said, this guy I was hoping to see I've barely even talked to. He's also simply a cute guy I've seen out a few times and developed a crush on since he's so damn attractive). Anyway, anyway - I didn't want to just approach this random cute guy at the party though. I'm a bit shy at times and was, secretly, hoping he'd approach me - especially with Mo repeatedly telling me that this guy was checking me out.

However, because of who these guys are, there are these hoochie girls that hang around and pretty much throw themselves at the athletes (and their friends too if necessary). It's awful and so, so disgusting. Let's just say that half the things I have heard that some of these girls have done I would never even think up, let alone consider. Ick! Ick! Ick!

I want to go out on a date, hang out, talk some and just chill. I keep going out to places like that party last night or this South Philly bar we see the athletes out at and I go thinking these guys will suddenly realize I have a lot to offer and approach me. In reality though that's not the case. When it comes to these guys, I just can't seem to compete with girls willing to get like gang banged ... and I would never sink to that that level. In fact, last night when the cute guy was finally alone (after he'd been with this one girl who was at some point with one of like three different guys), my friend was like: "Now's your chance. Go up to him." All I could think was (oh, and I said this out loud too), "Ugh, no. An STD was not my goal for the night."

So what do I do? I try to comfort myself with the thought they're athletes and probably too dumb to have a conversation with anyway. Sad and shallow of me, but true.

This Sunday

So there is a fundraiser this weekend that I've been so excited about and planning on attending. Though I could absolutely use some eye candy (to the left, to the left lol) right now, I just don't know.

The friend who I'd normally go to this particular fundraiser with is actually already going with someone else and I feel, well, replaced. I feel Mo says she misses me and that she's upset we're never getting together anymore, but I feel like she's quite easily replaced me at the same time too. How bad can you miss me if that's the case? Do you even consider me a friend or am I just someone you can get to tag along? (This replacement girl is NOTHING like me, not to mention I'm kind of rare lol)

Oh well, I'm not feeling well, so maybe I'm just thinking crazy too. I don't know. Hopefully things work out though - both with this weekend and with Mo...

Desperate For A Date

Desperate for a date to Perfect Couple's wedding this weekend, I finally asked BandJ again ... even though he told me before that his schedule for August was "indefinitely closed" (jerk). I thought maybe with the wedding being just a week away, he might know better whether or not he'd actually be free and around. I mean, he was free and had an open schedule when I texted him about it again - not just free, but he actually called me - not just a text back, he called ... this was definitely shocking!

However, in our phone conversation BandJ ended up patronizing me pretty much the whole time and made me sound like such an inconvenience (reminding me he works in another state now, it's a new job, he asked for off, but who knew if the boss would allow it, all the driving, etc) and then he even asked several times, "How bad do you want me there? How bad?"

Uh! I wanted to vomit. Ok, maybe not vomit, but I did honestly fight the urge to hang up. The best I could do was "Well, I need a date" and "Don't do me any favors." I just felt like he thought I was right under his thumb and he was really enjoying it ... where as, in reality, I've been tormented over what to do about him. I don't like him anymore - for me to get to this point is just amazing. Normally I'm holding on tightly even as guys like him neglect me or try to brush me away or treat me awfully ... and he certainly has. Not just before, but this time around too. That conversation alone, patronizing me like I need things broken down and as if just talking to me is some sort of favor from him to me - please!

But I needed a date, so I fought the urge to vomit and/or hang up ... and his 2/3rds of a yes (he had off, but his new job might call for overtime this weekend, which would mess everything up, so he wasn't going to say yes when I asked, but would let me know Monday night - yesterday) turned into a yes to him being free and my date for Perfect Couple's wedding. Wasn't I happy?! - he actually asked me that! Happy wasn't exactly the right word...

However, between BandJ's 2/3rds of a yes and definite yes, I asked someone else to go with me too. I ran into DancingD at a keg party last week and he's just always nice to see - funny, smiley, seems like he's nice to everyone and seems to just fit in wherever - playing blackjack or talking politics. Though I only see him randomly, I've had fun every time I do, so I asked him. Why not!? I asked him and not long after BandJ's 2/3rds of a yes turned into a whole yes, DancingD said yes too! Not only that, but he said he didn't care that he wouldn't really know anyone or that he had to dress up. He seemed totally laid back and excited about the whole thing - what a relief ... and welcome change from how BandJ was acting about being asked.

So, how to uninvite BandJ??? Hmmm... I figure I had to since DancingD was so gracious to just agree to come, especially when me asking him must have seemed pretty random. He was doing me such a favor too since, honestly I was worried about going with BandJ. I saw the night with BandJ going two ways:

1) He'd be ridiculous nice, fun and charming and I'd end up liking him ... which would end up with him chastising me with some sort of conversation about how he likes his options and where do I get off developing feelings. The night would be good, but the repercussions would be awful.

OR

2) BandJ would end up being a big jerk. The night would be filled with sarcastic comments and his ego and him making those little digs at me like he can sometimes ... and maybe my friend Kris punching him in the nose if any of that was directed at her too (she knows him as well). It would be a miserable night.
Oh, and I figure either scenario would end with him expecting me to go home with him, which made me feel nothing but contempt - yes, I know there is something terribly wrong with the situation when I'm not looking forward to sleeping with him!!

There was no good way to tell BandJ. After talking with a friend, I figured a bit of a white lie was probably the most kind (and easiest) case for all ... and thankfully that's the route I went with since he ended up being not very nice at all even with my white lie.

me 12:52pm: I know you're off already and said you'd go, but someone else I asked is free and excited and knows Bean's date so I'm gonna go with him so they can hang out
BandJ: Dont ask me for nothing again. Go fuck yourself!

I didn't respond. Nothing good would come of it. Oh, and maybe it's silly, but it irks me. It's "ask me for ANYthing again", a$shole. I think that's what you were shooting for.

Hours later, he sent: Is this one of your stunts to throw in my face?

I didn't respond to that either, but I think that last comment pissed me off more than his first response. I don't pull that kind of childish bullsh*t and, I'm sorry, but, even if I did, you're not worth that effort. I'm not pulling any "stunts" now to throw in your face, nor have I before like you're implying.

I swear to god, BandJ has like his completely own made up memory of events.

Oh and just to make me feel a bit better, when I told Kris I found a different date than BandJ, it went like this:
me: I've got someone other than BandJ for the wedding :-) No need to worry about any
of his jerky sarcastic comments (which she had complained about recently ... he does seem to be full of them recently)
Kris: Woo hoo!

I shouldn't worry about him nor whether or not he likes me still or damage control, but I still kinda do. ::sigh:: He is mad now and maybe he'll stay mad, but I think Saturday is going to be an absolutely awesome time. That's what I'm going to focus on!

Totally unrelated, but still important: my thoughts go up and out to babcia. You're missed. I'm sorry I was too sick to be able to say goodbye. I know AliCat misses you terribly and so do I. Thanks for always being so smiley and treating me like family. All my love, Kocham cię