Parties Aren't Always So Fun

I stripped down to my bra and panties and jumped into a pool at some stranger's party Saturday night. I was standing there when the boy Ker's been hooking up with jumped in and I found myself thinking, "Man, I really want to go swimming..." It was around then that someone mentioned the little difference between a bikini and your underwear (ok, aside from the fact my panties were definitely half lace that night – the back half!) and, let's be honest, this would not be the first time I'd done something like this since it was just last summer I did that at Irish Cop's place in a lake. So, I stripped down and jumped in and the water felt sooo good. Man, I miss the water...

"Not all experiences are good. You can't always trust the people you want to." Aside from the dumb sh*t, the party was pretty good. Ker and I got hit on, some dumb a*s liar (::cough, cough:: BandJ) was there and pretty much ignored us until the end of the night, free alcohol was involved and I got to go swimming – all good things right there (aside from BandJ). Sadly, we did not get to go on the home owner's children's play set like we wanted, but oh well ... After I got out of the pool, I put my clothes on top of my now wet underwear and stood around wet until Ker & I left not too long after that. The party was dying down because apparently there was some fight down the street bringing the cops nearby and the people we knew at the party were leaving soon anyway.

After a "discussion" (same old, same old: me: What's up with the way you've been acting?/him: I don't want a girlfriend. I like my options. You need to back off/me: Um, that's not what I said. I'm asking why YOU'VE been acting so possessive when out /him: easy girl, stop acting crazy. I have no idea what you've talking about. I like my options. Get over me and stop acting like my girlfriend/me: nevermind! You make no sense, etc.) and not talking too much over the past few days, like I said, I ended up seeing BandJ at this party. Awkward! He came over and was talking to us for a little bit though, seemed to be paying attention to me ... until these two other girls showed up and then he was all over them. After leaving the party, putting on dry clothes at Ker's and heading over to the place the guy she's been talking to had, there was an odd ratio of people: one friend and his girlfriend, Ker and the guy she's been talking to, BandJ and one of the two girls that showed up at the party. He sat next to her, got her food and I felt weird and pissy because my mind went to the obvious place - ah, he's dating her too. And then, feeling pissy while leaving, he walks me out and tries to kiss me goodbye. What the f*ck?! He's confusing and arrogant and makes me feel crazy and hangs all over some other girl in front of me and then tries to kiss me goodnight?!!

So, last night also taught me a lot about myself as well. I'm tired of setting myself up to get hurt and trying to burrow down to the good in people to give them multiple chances at sticking around. I'm tired of lies, confusion and half-assed attempts at being a good person. If you're not genuine and real and honest with at least yourself, get away from me. I don't want anything but good people around me and fun times. BandJ, you don't seem to have any of these qualities. Why? Why!? WHY am I wasting my freakin time with you?!

Those wants are not selfish or stupid - they're for my own sanity and soul. I want good people around me. I want people that I miss when they're not there, ones that support and consider my feelings and can just be content with watching a movie (alcohol doesn't need to be involved) or ready for the complete opposite too - being crazy & drinking & dancing and knowing (and laughing at the fact) I'm that girl that will soberly strip down in front of people to go swimming just because I feel like it. Ker knows that and anyone that didn't, doesn't know me at all (BandJ!).

I was put on this planet with enough "limitations" and losses. If you're not good for me, there's no point in keeping you around, right? If the negatives out weigh the positives of you being in my life, f*ck off! My life is finally getting stable and good. Don't try to bring me down anymore.

Whoo! That was a big rant :)

"don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want" Heath Ledger's last movie is out soon: The Dark Knight. I was excited to see it when I heard it was first in production, now I might be a little sad to watch it ...especially since he's supposed to have such an amazing performance in it as well.

I was bored & now I'm just bitchy

In my boredom, I went around surfing the net, including some site an old highschool friend has where a bunch of other people I know post pics and comments. My boredom morphed into, uh, lividness (is that a word?) when I came across this...
guy 1: if {me} texts me one more time, i'm gonna flip out.
guy 2: hahahaha. Now you know how I felt at times, [guy 1]

guy 1 - I totally should have let BandJ and his friends kick your ass like he offered when I said what a jerk you were after he left that night and you tried to pressure me into sex. And, in hindsight, I wish I hadn't texted you so much inviting you to my party so that I didn't have to threaten you just to get you to quit begging to fuck me. Please! Trying to bitch about me when you're so pathetic. Being so drunk to sleep with you the first time is a regret ... thinking I'd do it again is a joke. There's a reason I took a break from drinking and guys and you're one of them.

guy 2 - who knows why I even continued trying to talk to you after you gave me the thumbs up (that's right, he ::thumbs up:: me after sex while leaving) ... and then I even slept with you again and you couldn't finish - mmm, satisfying - not! Oh well, I guess we're all allowed to be stupid sometimes! Try to be cool, talk like you are ... you're just a creep who wishes you were. I have no idea how you have a girlfriend with your whole asshole/nerd/shy guy/freak personality combination on top of apparently having trouble keeping a hard on - guess that's why you had to go out of state to find someone and, for her own sake, I hope she has some dildos!

People, if you wonder why I question guys, there it is!

Things That Rock...

- Ker & Bean
I got to see them every night I was home this week. Thursday night I met them at a local bar and had a great time: shots and random dancing with people I went to high school with, compliments and the unforgettable "want to go get naked?" comment from that hot kid Bean introduced herself to. Wow. That's one way to go from super hot to absolutely dismissed, idiot guy. Friday night I found myself on Ker's sofa chilling and watching a movie. Bean showed up that night too. Then, Saturday night we went out to the bar and met Niki. All the bars were pretty beat because of the holiday weekend, I guess ... However, as always though, the night was not lost! Add the three of us together and if we don't start being ridiculous, we're bound to find someone else. Saturday night it was the crazy, dancing old lady at the local Irish bad! Oh man, I was crying I was laughing so hard at points. She almost deserves a subject all her own, but I just can't put it into words well enough to describe the insanity of that dancing old woman. Hahaha ... I'm laughing just thinking about it

- The 4th of July
With the town I grew up in, The 4th of July is a pretty big deal. We don't do fireworks, but there's a parade, firetruck rides and, more importantly, everyone drinking at the firehouse. Just about anyone that ever lived in the town at some point comes back for The 4th and I was one of those people this year again. I drove passed my old house, passed the elementary school and parked outside my aunt & uncle's home. They're the last of the three families left in the town. I then walked some blocks to the firehouse, shaking my head at points at just how crazy that town is. The firehouse was no exception! There were so many people: old high school friends, old elementary school friends, old pre-school friends and old family friends. Too weird, too weird. One of my mom's longest friends was having a party for The 4th and I went there with my parents. The food was so good, the company was great and "little" Phil made some banging mojitos. The night pretty much ended at Ker's. I stopped by her place to check on her (her meds had been making her sick), talk to her and chill out.

- Aaron
me talking about Kat's wedding
me: AliCat's boyfriend (Aaron's friend) is going - I figured it'd be nice if I took one of his friends ... and I like you the most lol
Aaron: haha - thats nice to know
That and I just generally adore Aaron and all his sweetness - sweet enough to pack early since he'll pretty much be going right to AZ as soon as we get back from the hotel and Kat's wedding. The wedding is one more thing to keep him busy too. I asked him to go with me tonight and he's my date now. I had to invite someone. It's been all of us forever. It's Kat's wedding, her sister's married, AliCat's taking her boyfriend of almost 2 years and Gretch (my cousin) will have someone too. I couldn't go alone. I did that at Julie's, but this wedding is far away which means it's not just a few hours of being the bold, single chick. I can't be stuck chatting with my family or being some third wheel. I invited Bean, but it's Ker's birthday weekend and I can't leave her without both of us on her birthday.

- The News
Flipping through the stations tonight, I caught the Fox News weather ... and this guy I used to go to high school with was the weatherman! How random is that?! We grew up in the same town, both did theater and he graduated with my cousin, C. I guess that fact doesn't really "rock", but I thought it was pretty crazy at the time.

- This Coming Week!
I took off Thursday and Friday this week because the Nezzies are going to be up from FL later in the week - everyone but Ty, I think. I am so excited! They'll be in Cape May and it should definitely be a good time no matter what we end up doing. The Nezzies are some of the best people ever and I feel really bad for anyone that doesn't know them or have people like them in their lives. I can't wait to see all the kids too. :)

I've been so confused about stuff lately with this guy and my silly confusion keeps making me ramble and/or over-think everything. I don't know if I should just drop the whole thing now (and maybe should have even before now) or take it for what it is. Maybe I'm talking myself out of something that could be good (or at least fun for awhile) or maybe all my lessons learned have just made me really lack trust in guys - "I'm being honest" just doesn't make me believe it anymore. I don't know. But if I haven't officially yet, I'm definitely in the process of fucking this up.