letter...

I apologized to you in that text last night about any confusion, but I shouldn't have done that. I should have apologized to you and myself for not speaking up, but instead I apologized for any confusion because I didn't want to start drama at your friend's party.

You say you're honest, but even that's not true. You said you'd tell me if you were seeing other people. I could still remember you inside of me from like the day before and someone else tells me you're seeing someone else ... have been talking to her since before me ... excuse me for assuming you're f*cking her too and totally grossed out by that.

I found out about her though and I decided that whatever happened from there that hurt me would be my fault: my eyes were open to your lack of honesty, to you risking me and to now knowing just how true you were about loving "your options" - the lovely phrase you use when constantly explaining why you don't want a relationship.

You told me to keep my emotions guarded. So, last night I showed up at your best friend's party, saw you busy helping to set up and, instead of running over to you like the clingy, annoying b*tch you are always accusing me of, I started conversations with other people. And then you make some dig at me later about not noticing you were there. You can say you were joking, but it didn't sound like that to anyone. Same with my shirt (it read "Boy Scouting") - "Boy scouting, huh?" you said all pissy. It's a shirt! A shirt I've had forever. Don't act like some jealous jerk over a damn t-shirt when you're the one f*cking around with who knows how many other people.

Which goes back to the honesty thing. Bullsh*t! Because telling me to not let my emotions get involved because you like your "options: and then going and telling your friend or whoever that you like me and then leaving it up to his drunk a*s to say something while you ignore me to smoke in the corner alone is just ridiculous. Ridiculous! What are we? 5?! And you need your friend to pass the note to me while no one is looking?! Geez!

Maybe your last relationship scarred you, but I'm not her and I'm the last person to jump into something so intense like your last relationship sounded. I've never been in one really - I haven't mentioned passed boyfriends because I've never really had one in the traditional sense. And I'm not even saying I want you as a boyfriend. I just can't handle being jerked around - that's why I stay away from crazy relationships and even just plain nice guys. So don't think I'm forcing you into anything here. I'm not one to do that.

Be social, have fun, live life - I hate those stupid, suffocating relationships. I think two people should want to be together, not have to be. I want to be with someone when I'm not with friends or working. Emotions guarded, I still was hoping you'd go to my friend's wedding with me. Silly, maybe, but true all the same. I'm not asking for forever, I was just hoping you could at least commit to a freaking weekend and be my date. I haven't mentioned it though because I can't wrap my head around you. You hold my hand, worry if I'm mad at you and say you like sleeping wrapped up with me, but act like some distant creep if I bring these things up and the confusion it causes me. I'm sorry to bring this up again, but what you say and what you do seem to be polar opposites, crazy man. You can say those things, but you can't commit to one freaking wedding date for my friend which is so important to me?!

Have I hurt you or confused you like you do to me? No. Have I hooked up with anyone in front of you like Ker did to your friend? No. So why do I feel like I'm the one always apologizing and trying to figure this out!? All I've been doing is trying to protect myself like you said I should and then you seem to get so upset like last night. So, I let my guard down a bit, made comments back to your sweet ones and then that upsets you/you turn into an a*shole.

I can't have people in my life that can't have an honest conversation with me. I'm mature enough to know that just because I could like someone doesn't mean I need them. Keep that in mind before jerking me around, BandJ.

Rescuing more than animals?

Me to my friend SexL tonight: "He's so nice and the one explanation made it sound like he just didn't want to get hurt again, but then later he was all "I like to keep my options open" like what I've heard from some creeps that just want to f*ck me. So I don't know if he's a nice guy that doesn't want to get burned again (by himself or someone else) or if he's an a*shole that just wants to be immature and f*ck around. I just want to know ... because I can f*ck an asshole, but I can't have sex with a nice guy and not get my emotions involved."

And with Ravin:
her: what do you think would make you feel better then?
me: no idea ~ I don't like the traditional crazy relationships where you need to be together all the time ~ but I don't want him all about someone else either ~ I want to know he likes me ~ I'm not even asking for commitment, I just don't want him to be so damn nice if it's not sincere

Ok, aside from that, after one hell of a stressful, informative, crazy work day, I started crying in the shower tonight. How awful is that? I don't cry - this girl does NOT cry alone. I'll cry in front of people if I'm overwhelmed with stress or something, but rarely do I bust out crying alone and I did that tonight. I had this awful, awful realization hit me and I just leaned against the wall in the shower and started sobbing. My work "rescuing" doesn't stop with animals it seems.

I thought animal rescue was something I fell into, was forced into in a way, was something that had defined me for so long that I recently got myself out of resuing to make my own decisions in what made me me ... but now it seems rescue is it. Even when it comes to the important relationships in my life, I seem to be around to "fix" people and then they leave me. I've done this since high school too with crushes and friends and people I was dating. I'm there for them, give advice when they need it, support them and then they move on to start something with someone else. It's not even technically ever a recound because sometimes I am there from the the very beginning or before. H*ll, I even got my friend MusicalJ out of this ridiculous relationship, kept him away from her (his ex-fiance) and now he's married to a great girl. I'm not saying I want to be married or even in a relationship. And I'm not saying MusicalJ and I were ever in anyway destined or that's what I wanted from him, he's just a good example of the role I've played. I just want to know why am I not the one any of them choose to be with??

I'm through rescuing people. I want to be through rescuing people and hurting myself. I can't keep investing so much of myself in people to have them leave. God, it's killing me.

I told someone there was the potential for me to like them and somehow they took it as a solid fact that I do like them. I fight those feelings like you wouldn't believe though because I don't like getting hurt and I know how that's how it all ends at some point - me hurt. In fact, I'm trying awfully hard to avoid that and I think it's just making me bitchy and cold. I feel like I haven't explained myself well, but then whenever I try to start it seems to be taken out of context. How am I supposed to say that you can say the right things and do the right things, but I still won't believe you like me? How can I say I don't want to be in a relationship not because I'm incapable of wanting someone like that in my life but because I don't trust well anymore? And how can I tell someone I'd prefer they just be a jerk so I don't set myself up to be hurt either?? Hahaha, geez ... I'm a mess!

Random quote for this entry: "It's so hard to lose the one you love, to finally have to say good-bye...you try to be strong, but the pain keeps holding on and all you can do is cry...deep within your heart you know it's time to move on, when the fairy tale you once knew is gone." –Unknown <--- ah, I picked this when preparing to leave me rescue. go figure!

mostly about relationship insanity

This girl is oh so sleepy ... and yet quite awake. It's a weird combination.

This laptop is also not very faithful recently. It's been super slow - for example: I just typed out that whole sentence before it actually popped up on the screen.

I'm making an attempt not to think about things too much that are out of my control, so instead I'm going to throw myself into weird domestic things tonight ... and possibly tomorrow as well. Tomorrow will be the worst since I'll have all damn afternoon and night to distract myself. Maybe I'll go across the river...

Tonight I'm going to chop up some tofu and marinate it I think in this really good balsamic dressing I have (or maybe soy sauce if I still have any). This way it'll be all yummy when I grill it up later in my wok. I've had some veggies cut up since last night (a red bell pepper & zucchini) too that I might throw in with the tofu. I can't decide if I want to toss it all together in a wrap or if I want to make some pilaf to mix it all into. I'm also going to make an attempt at making home-made iced tea tonight. Whatever I don't do tonight, I'll save for tomorrow afternoon. I'm basically just finding ways to distract myself.

This guy I hooked up with a few months ago has a girlfriend now and, girl, I do not envy you. To be honest, I just continued what I did because it was pretty good ... then again, that was after my long break from just about anything aside from kissing. I mean, occasionally he can't even finish and when I'm asking you to "f*ck me", please don't make requests for more foreplay. Gawd. Tell me not to touch you while you're falling asleep, but plan out just about every aspect of our time together in bed - ok, you make sense! Sorry. Needed to get that out. And it's not as bitter as it sounds. I'm really just amazed he's in a relationship in general after the way he was.

Kinda tied into that: I really do hate how quickly things change when you're "taken". That makes so little sense to me. My ideal relationship would just be me and another individual living our own lives, but coming home to each other. Honestly, I'd be happy with that. You want to go our partying with friends, play video games at a buddy's house after work or I want to spend a Friday out with the girls - whatever. But, when I'm around with you, I'm yours and you're mine (because, believe me, I'm all about PDA lol). And at the end of the day, it's me you want to be with. You know? None of that baby talk, nickname, need to be with each other, blow off your friends, have to compromise myself & my life to be with someone else crap. I want someone to like me for me. I don't want to have to change just because my relationship status does.

Aside from a relationship, I think I really throw myself at people sometimes because I just genuinely hate being alone at times too. Whether you're my friend or we're hooking up or dating or whatever, I want to be with you as much as possible. I want to go out, hang out, talk or just freakin pass out if it's late at night. I don't like being alone and sometimes feel like I need to be around people to have time pass. Even just going over to crawl into bed and sleeping with someone is better than being alone in my own bed at night, in my opinion. I think that's why I'm so desperate to have plans made out and be with people - out at the bar or home watching a movie, you know? I just like other people I like around me. I don't think that's so strange.

I need to stop writing (even though there's a whole other subject I want to dish out about) and start doing those things I planned to do with my night ... at this point I'm only gonna have time to make the iced tea :)