Rescuing more than animals?

Me to my friend SexL tonight: "He's so nice and the one explanation made it sound like he just didn't want to get hurt again, but then later he was all "I like to keep my options open" like what I've heard from some creeps that just want to f*ck me. So I don't know if he's a nice guy that doesn't want to get burned again (by himself or someone else) or if he's an a*shole that just wants to be immature and f*ck around. I just want to know ... because I can f*ck an asshole, but I can't have sex with a nice guy and not get my emotions involved."

And with Ravin:
her: what do you think would make you feel better then?
me: no idea ~ I don't like the traditional crazy relationships where you need to be together all the time ~ but I don't want him all about someone else either ~ I want to know he likes me ~ I'm not even asking for commitment, I just don't want him to be so damn nice if it's not sincere

Ok, aside from that, after one hell of a stressful, informative, crazy work day, I started crying in the shower tonight. How awful is that? I don't cry - this girl does NOT cry alone. I'll cry in front of people if I'm overwhelmed with stress or something, but rarely do I bust out crying alone and I did that tonight. I had this awful, awful realization hit me and I just leaned against the wall in the shower and started sobbing. My work "rescuing" doesn't stop with animals it seems.

I thought animal rescue was something I fell into, was forced into in a way, was something that had defined me for so long that I recently got myself out of resuing to make my own decisions in what made me me ... but now it seems rescue is it. Even when it comes to the important relationships in my life, I seem to be around to "fix" people and then they leave me. I've done this since high school too with crushes and friends and people I was dating. I'm there for them, give advice when they need it, support them and then they move on to start something with someone else. It's not even technically ever a recound because sometimes I am there from the the very beginning or before. H*ll, I even got my friend MusicalJ out of this ridiculous relationship, kept him away from her (his ex-fiance) and now he's married to a great girl. I'm not saying I want to be married or even in a relationship. And I'm not saying MusicalJ and I were ever in anyway destined or that's what I wanted from him, he's just a good example of the role I've played. I just want to know why am I not the one any of them choose to be with??

I'm through rescuing people. I want to be through rescuing people and hurting myself. I can't keep investing so much of myself in people to have them leave. God, it's killing me.

I told someone there was the potential for me to like them and somehow they took it as a solid fact that I do like them. I fight those feelings like you wouldn't believe though because I don't like getting hurt and I know how that's how it all ends at some point - me hurt. In fact, I'm trying awfully hard to avoid that and I think it's just making me bitchy and cold. I feel like I haven't explained myself well, but then whenever I try to start it seems to be taken out of context. How am I supposed to say that you can say the right things and do the right things, but I still won't believe you like me? How can I say I don't want to be in a relationship not because I'm incapable of wanting someone like that in my life but because I don't trust well anymore? And how can I tell someone I'd prefer they just be a jerk so I don't set myself up to be hurt either?? Hahaha, geez ... I'm a mess!

Random quote for this entry: "It's so hard to lose the one you love, to finally have to say good-bye...you try to be strong, but the pain keeps holding on and all you can do is cry...deep within your heart you know it's time to move on, when the fairy tale you once knew is gone." –Unknown <--- ah, I picked this when preparing to leave me rescue. go figure!