I wrote this about a week ago: "I don't know how to tell my friend (Mo) she's coming off stuck up and is going to ruin things with the guy she likes ... and ruin things for me with the crush I have on her guy's friend..."
Well, now I feel bad because that's not the case...
I thought last weekend could have gone differently. He was on 3 hours of sleep, beat, and yet he still came out and sat down with people that Mo knew. She could have gone over to say "Hi" and "I'm glad you decided to come out" or something - that's not going out of her way or being creepy or chasing. I mean, she knew other people there, she told him we were out, so that'd be ok, that'd be meeting him halfway after he'd made the effort to come out when he said he wasn't really up for it. Anyway, we were standing with a bunch of people he didn't know (guys too, for that matter), so I can see why he didn't approach us that night. I'll give him that. She didn't approach him though and he didn't approach her and so they never ended up talking at all when he left several minutes after showing up.
However, a few nights ago the situation was completely different - no logical excuses I can think of for him this night. For starters, Mo was facing the window, so when he showed up, I said "hi" and waved to him when I saw him. I figured I'd try to grab his attention for her, be friendly since I had met him before. Then, Mo said hi too and waved. So, we both saw him, caught his attention and said hi.
Unlike the first time, we weren't wandering around or talking to other people this time either ... no, this time we were by ourselves with an empty table next to us - there is no reason this crazy analyzing mind of mine can come up with that he didn't come over to talk if he actually likes her or has any interest. Once again, he showed up, basically blew her off and left. I don't get it! And, believe me, I've been thinking about it because I know how frustrated and stressed Mo is about this whole thing.
::sigh::
I think I just generally feel bad today from lack of sleep and the way this weekend went. I hate the swirling emotions that have been going on this weekend. Friday found me feeling upset and threatened and defensive and like I'd have to honestly fight someone ... or get one of the guys to toss that creep out for me. Last night ended up being not what I (or anyone, I think) was expecting: a random group and an early night. Plus my favorite hockey team lost (caught the end of the game at the bar). Then, AliCat had to go and get defensive over a general comment I made. I'm still all, I don't know, flustered about that ... no matter how much I've tried to brush it off. It's not my fault she took a general comment of mine to be so personal. Not my fault I have a different opinion of things. We're both single now, so I don't know why she thinks her way of things are so much better than mine.
I'm going to go home, take a bath and maybe the rest of the day will make up for this whole weekend ... but I'm not counting on it. Hope I can shake this funk.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Texts
Mo forwarded me this from her friend who works with DCrush and Reg ... not sure if it's the two of them OR if Mo's friend is referring to WEEKS ago OR if this is total bull, but still: Oh she {that'd be referring to me} has her plate full ... no room for me. She has 2 guys competing for that shit.
Ugh, say what?!
Ugh, say what?!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Texts
Mo: Turn on Comcast
me: can't I'm on the road, what's on?
Mo: They were interviewing DCrush and Reg
me: oh god. Honestly, I am so torn over those two right now that's not even funny
Mo: I bet
me: Hahaha. I like DCrush, but Reg was actually surprisingly nice
Mo: Yeah... that's a tough call
me: I don't think I can like Reg because with how he sounds - like how he was, that's just too much drama and I don't need anymore in my life. I'll just get myself hurt
Mo: Don't be scared. You can't judge him on his past. People change. He seems like a good guy
me: can't I'm on the road, what's on?
Mo: They were interviewing DCrush and Reg
me: oh god. Honestly, I am so torn over those two right now that's not even funny
Mo: I bet
me: Hahaha. I like DCrush, but Reg was actually surprisingly nice
Mo: Yeah... that's a tough call
me: I don't think I can like Reg because with how he sounds - like how he was, that's just too much drama and I don't need anymore in my life. I'll just get myself hurt
Mo: Don't be scared. You can't judge him on his past. People change. He seems like a good guy
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
what a morning...
First off, I had the most ridiculous dreams last night. They were riddled with everything from that night several weeks ago: the 800 different way things could have gone, the fact I should have had more guts, the fact the night was absolutely amazing and what could still go on from here.
I'm attempting to embrace a few things about that night as well:
- Doesn't matter how I came across because I know how I truly am and I don't even need all my fingers to count the number of guys I've slept with ... so if I came off like some hockey whore, whatever! Because I'm not. I'm not even close to a whore in general.
- my sister's take on DCrush being shy: "Lame then" lol <3 her
- There are many reasons I shouldn't be alive and here today, I'll be more brave in the future
- That night rocked!
- It was several weeks ago, nothing I can do now
Also, the knowledge of the fact I did someone's jager bomb has come back to my memory. This might explain distinct parts of the night. One way or another, my clothes come off when I drink jager - skinny dipping, flashing, sex ... all these things have happened when jagermeister became involved in my night - like the infamous first bonfire/hot tub party when we drank an entire bottle, ending up swimming out to the island in the lake and bikini tops ended up in the cooler after we drank all the beer in there ... not to mention, I found boxers the next day outside the hot tub, in the recyclables bin and someone's got thrown into the bonfire too
After all that dreaming, I woke up early after obviously not sleeping well, found the warmest clothes I could (like an XXXL red sweatshirt and sweatpants from my alma mater) and as I wandered out for my shake, my mom told me my cousin called at 7:30 AM. I had just seen him Saturday night at the bar where I watched the hockey game and he teased me.
What was half the reason he called so early that morning?? He was worried about me. He wished I wanted to date some guy in an orchestra instead of some hockey player. He's afraid I'm gonna go out, see one of those "jerk hockey guys" out with other girls and get hurt ... and he can't protect me from a hockey player like he could some orchestra geek. He "doesn't want to end up with his shirt over his head and getting his teeth punched out" since that's what hockey players do. Oh, and he added that there's a bartender at the bar we were at that's working and going to school that's interested in me.
Thank you, cuz. I love you too.
After telling me this, my mom heads out the door with my dad to go get horse feed. So, there I am, taking in this conversation (and concerns) from my cousin with my rumbled hair, extra big sweatshirt and pants on, homemade breakfast shake in hand and what do I see?? A stretch limo pulling in my driveway. First thought: Well, it's not a Hummer...
not that I want Prince Charming (or hockey hunk) showing up while I looking like that anyway! I walk out my door, the picture of cold morning beauty (not!) and wait at the base of the porch for whoever this is to step out when I hear the twang of a family friend's voice before she emerges. She's there to show off one of our horses to some people who might know someone that wants to buy him ... and apparently she's there to repeatedly insult me as well. I took this in stride though, too tired to fight and remembering that the last time when I called her out, she just called me bitchy.
So, yea, what a morning! I felt plagued with thoughts, loved by my cousin, relaxed overall and then repeatedly poked in a bruise by this friend as she keeps talking about my family problems like I'm not aware and living with it all. Ack...
I'm attempting to embrace a few things about that night as well:
- Doesn't matter how I came across because I know how I truly am and I don't even need all my fingers to count the number of guys I've slept with ... so if I came off like some hockey whore, whatever! Because I'm not. I'm not even close to a whore in general.
- my sister's take on DCrush being shy: "Lame then" lol <3 her
- There are many reasons I shouldn't be alive and here today, I'll be more brave in the future
- That night rocked!
- It was several weeks ago, nothing I can do now
Also, the knowledge of the fact I did someone's jager bomb has come back to my memory. This might explain distinct parts of the night. One way or another, my clothes come off when I drink jager - skinny dipping, flashing, sex ... all these things have happened when jagermeister became involved in my night - like the infamous first bonfire/hot tub party when we drank an entire bottle, ending up swimming out to the island in the lake and bikini tops ended up in the cooler after we drank all the beer in there ... not to mention, I found boxers the next day outside the hot tub, in the recyclables bin and someone's got thrown into the bonfire too
After all that dreaming, I woke up early after obviously not sleeping well, found the warmest clothes I could (like an XXXL red sweatshirt and sweatpants from my alma mater) and as I wandered out for my shake, my mom told me my cousin called at 7:30 AM. I had just seen him Saturday night at the bar where I watched the hockey game and he teased me.
What was half the reason he called so early that morning?? He was worried about me. He wished I wanted to date some guy in an orchestra instead of some hockey player. He's afraid I'm gonna go out, see one of those "jerk hockey guys" out with other girls and get hurt ... and he can't protect me from a hockey player like he could some orchestra geek. He "doesn't want to end up with his shirt over his head and getting his teeth punched out" since that's what hockey players do. Oh, and he added that there's a bartender at the bar we were at that's working and going to school that's interested in me.
Thank you, cuz. I love you too.
After telling me this, my mom heads out the door with my dad to go get horse feed. So, there I am, taking in this conversation (and concerns) from my cousin with my rumbled hair, extra big sweatshirt and pants on, homemade breakfast shake in hand and what do I see?? A stretch limo pulling in my driveway. First thought: Well, it's not a Hummer...
not that I want Prince Charming (or hockey hunk) showing up while I looking like that anyway! I walk out my door, the picture of cold morning beauty (not!) and wait at the base of the porch for whoever this is to step out when I hear the twang of a family friend's voice before she emerges. She's there to show off one of our horses to some people who might know someone that wants to buy him ... and apparently she's there to repeatedly insult me as well. I took this in stride though, too tired to fight and remembering that the last time when I called her out, she just called me bitchy.
So, yea, what a morning! I felt plagued with thoughts, loved by my cousin, relaxed overall and then repeatedly poked in a bruise by this friend as she keeps talking about my family problems like I'm not aware and living with it all. Ack...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Halloween '09
Sure, this is pushing like a week late, but whatever. :)
Who had an awesome Halloween?? I know I did!
I packed my stuff up the morning of the 31st, grabbed our tickets and headed over to AliCat's so we could head to the hockey game. It was her first game and what a lucky girl she was!
First off, I got our seats changed to the lower level with my medical necklace ... maybe that's wrong, but the one time I had to sit up in the 200 level for a period, I couldn't move - I didn't even stand for the flag! All I kept thinking was, "One, two, three, four and then over... If I seize, I'm just going to roll right over these people and then over the barrier." Maybe that's paranoid because I haven't seized in a long time, but I go head first, no warning ... I don't like walking up steps with the damage I've done to myself just standing in the kitchen, let alone being so high I'm above the TV thing! I was paralyzed with fear up in that 200 section!
Ok, so in our new seat location, we sit down and we're right behind the freaking goalie for the other team (which means behind our team's for the 2nd period) and only 11 rows back...
Though my uncle was right behind the penalty box at center ice, nothing opened up around him so AliCat and I stayed where we were to watch the game and it was a great one! There were some incredibly good fights, some shoving by the other players and they won - an awesome, awesome win! Out of 40 shots on him that afternoon, our goalie saved 39 of those! All with us just 11 seats off the ice.
AliCat and I joked the entire time and stood up cheering for points and fights. I think the only downfall to the game was that we got stuck in ridiculous traffic on the way out. We made the most of it thought by rolling down the windows and blasting Bruce Springsteen. Car passengers nearby were definitely laughing - so were we :)
AliCat and I were starving at this point, so we texted friends we were meeting soon, Bean and DrL, to see what they wanted and ordered some Chinese food and sushi on our way back to AliCat's apartment. We ate, watched some weird Lifetime movie and got ready to go out. DrL and Bean showed up just in time to catch me in the deli below AliCat's apartment buying candy (I got such a craving!). We took some pics and then headed out to a friend's Halloween party.
Sadly, the party was not thrilling. Yea, it was early and all, but you know how first impressions are - no one else was really in costume and almost everyone was paired up, so the ladies I brought along with me were not thrilled and wanted to leave. I stayed around long enough to see the hostess and for a few new people to show, but then we headed out. AliCat stated behind since she knew a few more people than Bean or DrL did.
I texted my girl Mo and she was just getting ready to head out - I still had time to get there! Fate perhaps? Though I thought we were going to this one place, she and her friends were going somewhere else entirely - Philly! What a night! We watched that awful Phillies game and then our friends' band finally started up! Aside from some fat, drunk bitches trying to dance on top of some table and spilling beer on me, it was great after that. I was sober enough to not succumb to the urge to kill any of those girls lol
Oh, and I drove home in my tank top and panties (yay for NOT getting pulled over for being on the road at 3/4 AM - time change that night, remember?) since my corset and skirt smelled so awfully of beer.
Who had an awesome Halloween?? I know I did!
I packed my stuff up the morning of the 31st, grabbed our tickets and headed over to AliCat's so we could head to the hockey game. It was her first game and what a lucky girl she was!
First off, I got our seats changed to the lower level with my medical necklace ... maybe that's wrong, but the one time I had to sit up in the 200 level for a period, I couldn't move - I didn't even stand for the flag! All I kept thinking was, "One, two, three, four and then over... If I seize, I'm just going to roll right over these people and then over the barrier." Maybe that's paranoid because I haven't seized in a long time, but I go head first, no warning ... I don't like walking up steps with the damage I've done to myself just standing in the kitchen, let alone being so high I'm above the TV thing! I was paralyzed with fear up in that 200 section!
Ok, so in our new seat location, we sit down and we're right behind the freaking goalie for the other team (which means behind our team's for the 2nd period) and only 11 rows back...
Though my uncle was right behind the penalty box at center ice, nothing opened up around him so AliCat and I stayed where we were to watch the game and it was a great one! There were some incredibly good fights, some shoving by the other players and they won - an awesome, awesome win! Out of 40 shots on him that afternoon, our goalie saved 39 of those! All with us just 11 seats off the ice.
AliCat and I joked the entire time and stood up cheering for points and fights. I think the only downfall to the game was that we got stuck in ridiculous traffic on the way out. We made the most of it thought by rolling down the windows and blasting Bruce Springsteen. Car passengers nearby were definitely laughing - so were we :)
AliCat and I were starving at this point, so we texted friends we were meeting soon, Bean and DrL, to see what they wanted and ordered some Chinese food and sushi on our way back to AliCat's apartment. We ate, watched some weird Lifetime movie and got ready to go out. DrL and Bean showed up just in time to catch me in the deli below AliCat's apartment buying candy (I got such a craving!). We took some pics and then headed out to a friend's Halloween party.
Sadly, the party was not thrilling. Yea, it was early and all, but you know how first impressions are - no one else was really in costume and almost everyone was paired up, so the ladies I brought along with me were not thrilled and wanted to leave. I stayed around long enough to see the hostess and for a few new people to show, but then we headed out. AliCat stated behind since she knew a few more people than Bean or DrL did.
I texted my girl Mo and she was just getting ready to head out - I still had time to get there! Fate perhaps? Though I thought we were going to this one place, she and her friends were going somewhere else entirely - Philly! What a night! We watched that awful Phillies game and then our friends' band finally started up! Aside from some fat, drunk bitches trying to dance on top of some table and spilling beer on me, it was great after that. I was sober enough to not succumb to the urge to kill any of those girls lol
Oh, and I drove home in my tank top and panties (yay for NOT getting pulled over for being on the road at 3/4 AM - time change that night, remember?) since my corset and skirt smelled so awfully of beer.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Single Broke Female
I follow a blog by a girl referred to as "Single Broke Female". Boy does that describe me to a "T" as well.
I'm having several problems with this...
1) I can't find a job. Just yesterday I sent my resume out to about 10 different places, but I don't have my hopes up about any of them. The jobs I have had offered to me were sh*t pay or had an awful commute. I know I can't expect some miraculous job with the way the economy is right now, but I can't comprehend taking a job where I'd be getting paid less or the same as I am getting through unemployment. Not to mention, if I'm going to take a job for about the same amount, I really need one that comes with medical insurance because of my epilepsy.
2) I'm just not motivated to do anything right now. No matter how much I want something or how many times I tell myself I need something, I haven't been doing it. Working out, medication, writing, etc. It's awful because I get upset that I'm not doing these things or the risk I'm taking with my meds, but I just can't seem to get myself started or set in a routine. I'm going to start working on this, really. I'm going to start making time, setting reminders for myself and taking some responsibility. I know it's important. I know that.
3) I'm not good with not living the way I want or denying myself things. I rarely buy new clothes - let alone like $70 shirts, so if I see a nice shirt I want or really cute earrings, I usually still buy it now. THANKFULLY I'm not a big spender in general otherwise this shopping problem of mine could be awful lol And do you know how often I hear "I can't go out. I'm really short on money" from my friends? I f*cking hate it because, no! I have no money, but I'll still use a like 40 miles worth of gas to come hang out with you and drive home after. Time with my friends keeps me sane, they are valuable to me, vital even. So, I don't consider it a hassle to go out and meet friends like some people seem to make it out to be.
4) On that bit about seeing my friends and such, I'm aware you only live once - one time. So, right now, even though I have no job and no job in sight, I'm going to Boston for New Years Eve. My friend wanted to go, our hockey team will be there for the Winter Classic game the next day and you only live once. So, I'm going and I'll figure it out. I could not be more excited. I don't care if we go and just end up drinking in our fancy hotel room (because, yea, if we're going there, we're going to stay in the same fancy hotel as our hockey team too) the entire time - it'll be different, it'll be something I never forget and a once in a lifetime opportunity I didn't pass up.
Though all of the above is about money, it's undeniable I'm single too. I'm hoping if I start working on myself that maybe that'll change too. I'm so tired of being alone.
I did see this quote on tumblr earlier: "Sometimes in your life you need lust. You need the adrenaline rush of knowing that this is not forever & that you're not committed to anything." For some reason that made me feel better about everything that went on last week. It doesn't matter how I might have seemed last week. I know I'm not like that all the time and I had fun being like that for the night. So, whatever. Fun times.
Ah, yes, and single broke female I remain...
I'm having several problems with this...
1) I can't find a job. Just yesterday I sent my resume out to about 10 different places, but I don't have my hopes up about any of them. The jobs I have had offered to me were sh*t pay or had an awful commute. I know I can't expect some miraculous job with the way the economy is right now, but I can't comprehend taking a job where I'd be getting paid less or the same as I am getting through unemployment. Not to mention, if I'm going to take a job for about the same amount, I really need one that comes with medical insurance because of my epilepsy.
2) I'm just not motivated to do anything right now. No matter how much I want something or how many times I tell myself I need something, I haven't been doing it. Working out, medication, writing, etc. It's awful because I get upset that I'm not doing these things or the risk I'm taking with my meds, but I just can't seem to get myself started or set in a routine. I'm going to start working on this, really. I'm going to start making time, setting reminders for myself and taking some responsibility. I know it's important. I know that.
3) I'm not good with not living the way I want or denying myself things. I rarely buy new clothes - let alone like $70 shirts, so if I see a nice shirt I want or really cute earrings, I usually still buy it now. THANKFULLY I'm not a big spender in general otherwise this shopping problem of mine could be awful lol And do you know how often I hear "I can't go out. I'm really short on money" from my friends? I f*cking hate it because, no! I have no money, but I'll still use a like 40 miles worth of gas to come hang out with you and drive home after. Time with my friends keeps me sane, they are valuable to me, vital even. So, I don't consider it a hassle to go out and meet friends like some people seem to make it out to be.
4) On that bit about seeing my friends and such, I'm aware you only live once - one time. So, right now, even though I have no job and no job in sight, I'm going to Boston for New Years Eve. My friend wanted to go, our hockey team will be there for the Winter Classic game the next day and you only live once. So, I'm going and I'll figure it out. I could not be more excited. I don't care if we go and just end up drinking in our fancy hotel room (because, yea, if we're going there, we're going to stay in the same fancy hotel as our hockey team too) the entire time - it'll be different, it'll be something I never forget and a once in a lifetime opportunity I didn't pass up.
Though all of the above is about money, it's undeniable I'm single too. I'm hoping if I start working on myself that maybe that'll change too. I'm so tired of being alone.
I did see this quote on tumblr earlier: "Sometimes in your life you need lust. You need the adrenaline rush of knowing that this is not forever & that you're not committed to anything." For some reason that made me feel better about everything that went on last week. It doesn't matter how I might have seemed last week. I know I'm not like that all the time and I had fun being like that for the night. So, whatever. Fun times.
Ah, yes, and single broke female I remain...
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