So much to do...

and so little time. I'm feeling overwhelmed and yet not doing much about it. Awful, I know! I need to do write ups, send out some cards still and finish up so writing for a few emails. I'm not sure where or when I'm going to get the time, but I sure hope to ... I need to. But I procrastinate a lot - maybe that's something to work on in the new year. :) 2009 is just around the corner! Crazy! The last week and the first one of every month are a bit hectic for me, but I'm trying to enjoy this month's end.

I saw this picture today and wanted to put it somewhere:

Check out more of the website, PostSecret.

The card and "secret" also made me want to write. It's the holidays (AH!!!) and that time between Christmas and New Years that looks so long on a calendar (a whole week!) and yet passes by so quickly with visits, dinner, guests, gift giving and cheerful phone calls or cards to check on loved one. This time is packed with good feelings ... and some very lonely ones too. I've never been one to be caught under the mistletoe or get some crazy kiss on New Years. Sure, I've been friends, but the girls I've known forever are all pretty much paired up at this point and I don't think there's any time you feel like more of a third wheel than when you're tagging a long with coupled friends for the holidays. Big romance hasn't found me and that's what this PostSecret made me think of. It's a lonely wish, sad too and yet still very hopeful, I think.

I am so happy with sooo many things in my life right now and yet I feel unfulfilled too. I don't think I need to be in a relationship to feel good. I'm not throwing myself at guys and I certainly don't want to be with just anyone strictly so that I'm with someone. So, I know I don't need to be in a relationship ... but I'd like to find myself in a special one.

I hope that person ends up with someone really special before next year and picks out a tree to share. I hope I do too.

Random guy stuff

Right now, Saturdays in reality are my "Sundays" since I start my work week back up early Sunday mornings. So on Saturdays I like to sleep in, if possible. If I wake up and can't fall back to sleep, I like to at least lay in bed for awhile relaxing and maybe reading. After that, I check email, text a few friends depending on how late into the day it is and finally get around to cleaning - putting away clean laundry, organizing my things, doing some extra work for my job, food shopping, etc.

Today of all days (especially since it's Sunday) I would have loved to rest. I had about 4 hours of sleep last night ... nut I'm not going to complain. I had a really good time last night. I saw some really old friends, saw some really good friends that I don't see very often and saw my best friends too. Not to mention, I was out with Mo which is always good and I got to see my old high school buddy, Irish Girl. Mo and I also went to this nice house party - what a nice change from all the damn little kid house parties people my age are still going to. Met a cute guy too last night, MMK - definite bonus! Oh and I also got to see my one cousin that I haven't seen in awhile and then one of my favorite families: C, D and little B. I just love those guys. I went to visit them at my uncle's house so I got to see him too and Risi, my other cousin (C's youngest sister). It was a packed and busy night that involved a lot of driving, but it was nice.

Oh, big let-down of the night though: while waiting for my friend Mo, I ended up texting D the Cop which was probably silly of me (I really should just delete his number). I didn't want to call and bother him about the party that night, I'd already mentioned it the day before or something like that to him. However, I was waiting in the parking lot of a bar that he is at a lot, so I sent him a text asking him what he was up to and said that I thought of him since I was in that parking lot. Didn't hear back from him which was kind of bogus in my opinion, but it gets so much better (ie worse!) ... whos' walking out of that very bar and through the parking lot I'd been sitting in earlier when I get dropped off later to get my car? D the Cop!! Granted, I knew D the Cop was not some honest, wonderful dreamboat - I mean, he cheated on his girlfriend with me and I know I'm not the first. But I was thinking we were more along the lines of friends since we didn't start out just making out ... and I try to be honest with my friends. I don't know, maybe I hold people up to too high of standards.

The thing is, I wasn't asking him to be my boyfriend or run away with me or even beg him about coming out to this party that night - I just sent him a text asking what he was up to, totally casual. He could have just texted back that he was busy/had plans already (perfect world, he could have asked me to come in -since he was just inside!- to say hi while I waited for my friend since I said I was in the parking lot), but no. He was in that bar while I was in the parking lot and didn't even say a word, just ignored my text. And I don't know how he didn't see me rushing to my car to avoid him either when I got dropped off since I pretty much walked right passed him ... and still no word from him. I don't need that drama.

Oh my...

I drove home last night to go out with one of my BGF (best girl friends), Mo. Love her! She's a lot of fun and we go to different places, which is definitely a nice change of pace. On my way down, I figured I'd text some friends to see what they were up to. When I'm randomly in the area, why not? One of those people was D the Cop, who was at a local bar with friends and then going to a strip club.

After I got to Mo's (and was no longer texting people while driving), we went to this random bar across the river that I've never even really noticed before. All these guys started showing up and apparently they are hockey players. I don't really follow hockey, so I can't really say who I met (or was checking out lol).

I also put my hands on this gorgeous guy who was in the way of Mo getting a picture taken (I pulled him out of the shot). I find out later that apparently the gorgeous guy is Jeff Carter? Ah! Hello, handsome! Yum.

While still at the bar, D the Cop starts texting me again - from the strip club!! And basically writes "I'm going home now. Are you coming?" Though we've flirted whenever we see each other, it's never gone anywhere. He has a girlfriend and, actually, the last time I saw him out, I got terribly fed up with his teasing and I said, "How about we're just friends. That way you can keep up this casual flirting and I still get to look at you but neither of us is confused about where it's going."

So, this "Are you coming?" comment was quite confusing. Sitting at the bar confused, I wrote back: "What about your girlfriend and what happened to just being friends?" His response?? "F*ck that" Great!! I had planned to go out with Mo, get back to my car and then drive to my apartment and crash in my own bed around 2:30, 3 AM. I changed right from work and all and so I found myself texting D the Cop back: "I didn't plan on crashing with anyone so I haven't shaved my legs and I've got work at 7:45 AM. If I came over, we're sleeping. If you're cool with that, text me back directions to your place."

Uh, he sent his directions...

On route, I stopped at a Wawa and when I came back out to my car (the whole two seconds I was in there!), my car was dead - wouldn't start, no lights, etc. So, I call my parents in my desperation: "Yea, I know you think I'm in Central Jersey, but I'm not. I'm local and my car is dead."

It was about 2 AM!

No one in Wawa knows anything about cars, the one guy that showed up in the middle of the night didn't know anything (I asked a stranger!) and so I just gave up and waited for my parents to show up ... while on the phone with my sister, a very familiar trucks goes by ... BandJ's to be pretty exact! Go figure D the Cop lives like right around the flippin corner from BandJ's home! Of all the times to spot one another, I'm in a dead car, freezing and waiting for my car to be fixed/swap cars with my parents to head to a guy's house (oh yea, a guy who has a girlfriend too!).

Randomly, while I'm sulking/kicking myself over being at Wawa at 2:30 AM, some guy asked if I needed my car jumped. I said I really didn't know, but I'd appreciate it ... I'd been freezing in my car for awhile at this point. I explained my battery was brand new and so it might just be something loose ... so he looked, tightened some knobs and ta dah! It worked!!! I was so freaking excited that I jumped and hugged the guy! :) He had me turn my car on and everything while he waited to make sure that it stayed working too. So nice! Sooo nice. Good Samaritan, thank you, thank you, thank you!!

I told my parents not to show up and I headed to D the Cop's house. After waiting in my freezing, dead car in arctic winds and then having to go around trying to find D the Cop's condo, I was frozen!! I just wanted somewhere/someone warm - definitely not to drive all the way back to my apartment. So, I headed to D to Cop's and I was so cold by the time I got there that I couldn't stop shivering. Awful! Oh and then to cap off the night, I showed up at D the Cop's house and he's got I Am Legend on - I walk in like just in time to watch the guy kill his dog! I was so ready for the day to be done ... but, uh, I'm not going to complain about how much later I stayed up either. ;)

So, crossed the river, consumed some alcohol, saw pro-hockey players, there was dancing, a dead car, suffering from the super cold, spotting BandJ and making out with someone that has a girlfriend... I think it's safe to say that all that is way too much for one night!

Oh, and this song has been stuck in my head:




I really like the one part:
My love is like a blanket
That gets a little bit too warm sometimes
I wanna wrap somebody in it
Who can hold me in his arms

Breakthrough?

I mentioned the other night how I hate routine, hate all routines! This after that, after that, after this -over and over and over again- bores me to death. I don't like waking up at a certain time, brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, feeding the cats, putting on my scrubs, eating breakfast and going to work. No, sometimes I wake up on time, sometimes I take those extra minutes to sleep in. Most of the time I feed the cats first thing after finding clothes, but not always and I like to eat before brushing my teeth, but not always. What I eat varies, what I wear varies, I also don't always take my meds like I should for no real good reason or listen to the same music and sometimes I don't even brush my hair every morning (I'll just throw it back in a pony tail). I don't seem to stick to routines...

Well, I think my hatred of routines affects my feelings about relationships. I think I'm afraid of not being able to avoid creating a routine with someone else, afraid of slipping into the "same old, same old" getting involved and something repetitive being my day to day life. Same person, same kissing, no new & interesting conversation, same sex, same things being done in our down time, etc. I'm not saying I want someone different everyday (LOL - god no!), but I think my fear of routine is partly what makes me so anxious about getting into a relationship ... I don't know. Does that make sense?

Maybe it's less my "hatred" of routines and more so the fact that I'm just bad at them. Maybe I get anxious because I don't want to f*ck it all up and I'm so sure that I will one way or another that I feel it best just to avoid the whole thing.

finally an update - sort of

I have thought a hundred times to start an entry: lines would come to my head or things I wanted to bring up, write about, say ... lines come to me mostly at weird moments. I really should take down notes or something in a little notebook. Carrying around a notebook is a bit tough though. It's difficult enough to manage my cell and pen during work hours.

I seem to attract pervs. It's undeniable at this point. I had that one last year, Nurseboy, who I picked up while hospitalized for an epilepsy study, but at least he was nice enough to stay up with me watching TV while I was sleep deprived, talked about cooking me dinner and how if I was going to move into a city that I should move into the city he lived in. We didn't know each others' life stories, but we knew each other a hell of a lot more than this creepy guy sending me pervy pics and asking awful inappropriate things via text messages hours after meeting him. This guy we'll call Pervy Kevin asked me to send him naughty pics and asked if I wanted to listen as he masturbated the day after I met him. Ew! I swear, he seemed completely normal ... until he had my number. Uh! Apparently being deemed "adventurous" seems to have been heard by him as "desperate whore" or something. Well, that's not the case. I finally told him to feel free to lose my number tonight.

Grumble, grumble, grumble

If all goes as plan this is the last time I will be writing a blog with a gallbladder ... odd, I know, but quite true. I've been laying around waiting for surgery since Monday evening.

I've been quite sick since last week after I had friends over for dinner. I thought it was some sort of silly bug that would go away. However, even when my headache kind of went away, the fever kept up - even when I was on constant advil or tylenol. Then I was nauseous too! I figured it was just from not enough food (too hot to feel hungry) with all the fever reducers I was taking though ... but when I finally made myself really eat Sunday night, I thought I was going to die!

I went to see a doctor Monday near my apartment who was definitely great, but he mentioned trying one route and that if the symptoms came back that I'd need bloodwork and an ultrasound to check out my stomach/gallbladder/liver area. Hearing that, I just went home knowing my family doctor in South Jersey could run most basic bloodwork and just get that out of the way. By the end of the day I had bloodwork, an ultrasound and then was told to admit myself to the hospital before I was even home from having the tests done. Uh!

The gist is that I was told maybe immediate surgery was needed Monday, then I was NPO'ed (no food or liquids) since Monday night until last night because maybe I was getting it sometime yesterday, then I was allowed a 4 hr window for clear liquids (which includes jello???) before I was to be NPO'ed for today ... and then a nurse woke me up today with the "good news" I could eat because nothing would be done until tomorrow.

Being the stubborn, justice-seeking person I am though, I refused to eat in determination of definitely having surgery today. I'm in pain, you know the problem, fix it! That's not unreasonable. AND it worked! Surgery was to be at 3:30 today due to how upset I was (and refusal to eat, I believe hehehe) ... until my stupid, stupid bloodwork came back and some liver level the surgeon was worried about was no better. He wanted a consult which could not be done in time for 3:30 this afternoon (darn it!). He was more than kind when he FINALLY came to talk to me and said he just wanted to be fully prepared because that one level could mean that even if my gallbladder was removed that I wouldn't be out of pain and I'd need more surgery. So, tomorrow morning, consult or not, with the extra night to get bloodwork and check that one level, I WILL have my surgery. Hopefully, it'll be simple too, only 3 little incisions, will take about an hour and I could be home tomorrow night! If things are more extensive, they'll have to actually cut me open pretty extensively though (something like a 6 inch incision!).

If it's not one thing, it's another ...

Parties Aren't Always So Fun

I stripped down to my bra and panties and jumped into a pool at some stranger's party Saturday night. I was standing there when the boy Ker's been hooking up with jumped in and I found myself thinking, "Man, I really want to go swimming..." It was around then that someone mentioned the little difference between a bikini and your underwear (ok, aside from the fact my panties were definitely half lace that night – the back half!) and, let's be honest, this would not be the first time I'd done something like this since it was just last summer I did that at Irish Cop's place in a lake. So, I stripped down and jumped in and the water felt sooo good. Man, I miss the water...

"Not all experiences are good. You can't always trust the people you want to." Aside from the dumb sh*t, the party was pretty good. Ker and I got hit on, some dumb a*s liar (::cough, cough:: BandJ) was there and pretty much ignored us until the end of the night, free alcohol was involved and I got to go swimming – all good things right there (aside from BandJ). Sadly, we did not get to go on the home owner's children's play set like we wanted, but oh well ... After I got out of the pool, I put my clothes on top of my now wet underwear and stood around wet until Ker & I left not too long after that. The party was dying down because apparently there was some fight down the street bringing the cops nearby and the people we knew at the party were leaving soon anyway.

After a "discussion" (same old, same old: me: What's up with the way you've been acting?/him: I don't want a girlfriend. I like my options. You need to back off/me: Um, that's not what I said. I'm asking why YOU'VE been acting so possessive when out /him: easy girl, stop acting crazy. I have no idea what you've talking about. I like my options. Get over me and stop acting like my girlfriend/me: nevermind! You make no sense, etc.) and not talking too much over the past few days, like I said, I ended up seeing BandJ at this party. Awkward! He came over and was talking to us for a little bit though, seemed to be paying attention to me ... until these two other girls showed up and then he was all over them. After leaving the party, putting on dry clothes at Ker's and heading over to the place the guy she's been talking to had, there was an odd ratio of people: one friend and his girlfriend, Ker and the guy she's been talking to, BandJ and one of the two girls that showed up at the party. He sat next to her, got her food and I felt weird and pissy because my mind went to the obvious place - ah, he's dating her too. And then, feeling pissy while leaving, he walks me out and tries to kiss me goodbye. What the f*ck?! He's confusing and arrogant and makes me feel crazy and hangs all over some other girl in front of me and then tries to kiss me goodnight?!!

So, last night also taught me a lot about myself as well. I'm tired of setting myself up to get hurt and trying to burrow down to the good in people to give them multiple chances at sticking around. I'm tired of lies, confusion and half-assed attempts at being a good person. If you're not genuine and real and honest with at least yourself, get away from me. I don't want anything but good people around me and fun times. BandJ, you don't seem to have any of these qualities. Why? Why!? WHY am I wasting my freakin time with you?!

Those wants are not selfish or stupid - they're for my own sanity and soul. I want good people around me. I want people that I miss when they're not there, ones that support and consider my feelings and can just be content with watching a movie (alcohol doesn't need to be involved) or ready for the complete opposite too - being crazy & drinking & dancing and knowing (and laughing at the fact) I'm that girl that will soberly strip down in front of people to go swimming just because I feel like it. Ker knows that and anyone that didn't, doesn't know me at all (BandJ!).

I was put on this planet with enough "limitations" and losses. If you're not good for me, there's no point in keeping you around, right? If the negatives out weigh the positives of you being in my life, f*ck off! My life is finally getting stable and good. Don't try to bring me down anymore.

Whoo! That was a big rant :)

"don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want" Heath Ledger's last movie is out soon: The Dark Knight. I was excited to see it when I heard it was first in production, now I might be a little sad to watch it ...especially since he's supposed to have such an amazing performance in it as well.

I was bored & now I'm just bitchy

In my boredom, I went around surfing the net, including some site an old highschool friend has where a bunch of other people I know post pics and comments. My boredom morphed into, uh, lividness (is that a word?) when I came across this...
guy 1: if {me} texts me one more time, i'm gonna flip out.
guy 2: hahahaha. Now you know how I felt at times, [guy 1]

guy 1 - I totally should have let BandJ and his friends kick your ass like he offered when I said what a jerk you were after he left that night and you tried to pressure me into sex. And, in hindsight, I wish I hadn't texted you so much inviting you to my party so that I didn't have to threaten you just to get you to quit begging to fuck me. Please! Trying to bitch about me when you're so pathetic. Being so drunk to sleep with you the first time is a regret ... thinking I'd do it again is a joke. There's a reason I took a break from drinking and guys and you're one of them.

guy 2 - who knows why I even continued trying to talk to you after you gave me the thumbs up (that's right, he ::thumbs up:: me after sex while leaving) ... and then I even slept with you again and you couldn't finish - mmm, satisfying - not! Oh well, I guess we're all allowed to be stupid sometimes! Try to be cool, talk like you are ... you're just a creep who wishes you were. I have no idea how you have a girlfriend with your whole asshole/nerd/shy guy/freak personality combination on top of apparently having trouble keeping a hard on - guess that's why you had to go out of state to find someone and, for her own sake, I hope she has some dildos!

People, if you wonder why I question guys, there it is!

Things That Rock...

- Ker & Bean
I got to see them every night I was home this week. Thursday night I met them at a local bar and had a great time: shots and random dancing with people I went to high school with, compliments and the unforgettable "want to go get naked?" comment from that hot kid Bean introduced herself to. Wow. That's one way to go from super hot to absolutely dismissed, idiot guy. Friday night I found myself on Ker's sofa chilling and watching a movie. Bean showed up that night too. Then, Saturday night we went out to the bar and met Niki. All the bars were pretty beat because of the holiday weekend, I guess ... However, as always though, the night was not lost! Add the three of us together and if we don't start being ridiculous, we're bound to find someone else. Saturday night it was the crazy, dancing old lady at the local Irish bad! Oh man, I was crying I was laughing so hard at points. She almost deserves a subject all her own, but I just can't put it into words well enough to describe the insanity of that dancing old woman. Hahaha ... I'm laughing just thinking about it

- The 4th of July
With the town I grew up in, The 4th of July is a pretty big deal. We don't do fireworks, but there's a parade, firetruck rides and, more importantly, everyone drinking at the firehouse. Just about anyone that ever lived in the town at some point comes back for The 4th and I was one of those people this year again. I drove passed my old house, passed the elementary school and parked outside my aunt & uncle's home. They're the last of the three families left in the town. I then walked some blocks to the firehouse, shaking my head at points at just how crazy that town is. The firehouse was no exception! There were so many people: old high school friends, old elementary school friends, old pre-school friends and old family friends. Too weird, too weird. One of my mom's longest friends was having a party for The 4th and I went there with my parents. The food was so good, the company was great and "little" Phil made some banging mojitos. The night pretty much ended at Ker's. I stopped by her place to check on her (her meds had been making her sick), talk to her and chill out.

- Aaron
me talking about Kat's wedding
me: AliCat's boyfriend (Aaron's friend) is going - I figured it'd be nice if I took one of his friends ... and I like you the most lol
Aaron: haha - thats nice to know
That and I just generally adore Aaron and all his sweetness - sweet enough to pack early since he'll pretty much be going right to AZ as soon as we get back from the hotel and Kat's wedding. The wedding is one more thing to keep him busy too. I asked him to go with me tonight and he's my date now. I had to invite someone. It's been all of us forever. It's Kat's wedding, her sister's married, AliCat's taking her boyfriend of almost 2 years and Gretch (my cousin) will have someone too. I couldn't go alone. I did that at Julie's, but this wedding is far away which means it's not just a few hours of being the bold, single chick. I can't be stuck chatting with my family or being some third wheel. I invited Bean, but it's Ker's birthday weekend and I can't leave her without both of us on her birthday.

- The News
Flipping through the stations tonight, I caught the Fox News weather ... and this guy I used to go to high school with was the weatherman! How random is that?! We grew up in the same town, both did theater and he graduated with my cousin, C. I guess that fact doesn't really "rock", but I thought it was pretty crazy at the time.

- This Coming Week!
I took off Thursday and Friday this week because the Nezzies are going to be up from FL later in the week - everyone but Ty, I think. I am so excited! They'll be in Cape May and it should definitely be a good time no matter what we end up doing. The Nezzies are some of the best people ever and I feel really bad for anyone that doesn't know them or have people like them in their lives. I can't wait to see all the kids too. :)

I've been so confused about stuff lately with this guy and my silly confusion keeps making me ramble and/or over-think everything. I don't know if I should just drop the whole thing now (and maybe should have even before now) or take it for what it is. Maybe I'm talking myself out of something that could be good (or at least fun for awhile) or maybe all my lessons learned have just made me really lack trust in guys - "I'm being honest" just doesn't make me believe it anymore. I don't know. But if I haven't officially yet, I'm definitely in the process of fucking this up.

letter...

I apologized to you in that text last night about any confusion, but I shouldn't have done that. I should have apologized to you and myself for not speaking up, but instead I apologized for any confusion because I didn't want to start drama at your friend's party.

You say you're honest, but even that's not true. You said you'd tell me if you were seeing other people. I could still remember you inside of me from like the day before and someone else tells me you're seeing someone else ... have been talking to her since before me ... excuse me for assuming you're f*cking her too and totally grossed out by that.

I found out about her though and I decided that whatever happened from there that hurt me would be my fault: my eyes were open to your lack of honesty, to you risking me and to now knowing just how true you were about loving "your options" - the lovely phrase you use when constantly explaining why you don't want a relationship.

You told me to keep my emotions guarded. So, last night I showed up at your best friend's party, saw you busy helping to set up and, instead of running over to you like the clingy, annoying b*tch you are always accusing me of, I started conversations with other people. And then you make some dig at me later about not noticing you were there. You can say you were joking, but it didn't sound like that to anyone. Same with my shirt (it read "Boy Scouting") - "Boy scouting, huh?" you said all pissy. It's a shirt! A shirt I've had forever. Don't act like some jealous jerk over a damn t-shirt when you're the one f*cking around with who knows how many other people.

Which goes back to the honesty thing. Bullsh*t! Because telling me to not let my emotions get involved because you like your "options: and then going and telling your friend or whoever that you like me and then leaving it up to his drunk a*s to say something while you ignore me to smoke in the corner alone is just ridiculous. Ridiculous! What are we? 5?! And you need your friend to pass the note to me while no one is looking?! Geez!

Maybe your last relationship scarred you, but I'm not her and I'm the last person to jump into something so intense like your last relationship sounded. I've never been in one really - I haven't mentioned passed boyfriends because I've never really had one in the traditional sense. And I'm not even saying I want you as a boyfriend. I just can't handle being jerked around - that's why I stay away from crazy relationships and even just plain nice guys. So don't think I'm forcing you into anything here. I'm not one to do that.

Be social, have fun, live life - I hate those stupid, suffocating relationships. I think two people should want to be together, not have to be. I want to be with someone when I'm not with friends or working. Emotions guarded, I still was hoping you'd go to my friend's wedding with me. Silly, maybe, but true all the same. I'm not asking for forever, I was just hoping you could at least commit to a freaking weekend and be my date. I haven't mentioned it though because I can't wrap my head around you. You hold my hand, worry if I'm mad at you and say you like sleeping wrapped up with me, but act like some distant creep if I bring these things up and the confusion it causes me. I'm sorry to bring this up again, but what you say and what you do seem to be polar opposites, crazy man. You can say those things, but you can't commit to one freaking wedding date for my friend which is so important to me?!

Have I hurt you or confused you like you do to me? No. Have I hooked up with anyone in front of you like Ker did to your friend? No. So why do I feel like I'm the one always apologizing and trying to figure this out!? All I've been doing is trying to protect myself like you said I should and then you seem to get so upset like last night. So, I let my guard down a bit, made comments back to your sweet ones and then that upsets you/you turn into an a*shole.

I can't have people in my life that can't have an honest conversation with me. I'm mature enough to know that just because I could like someone doesn't mean I need them. Keep that in mind before jerking me around, BandJ.

Rescuing more than animals?

Me to my friend SexL tonight: "He's so nice and the one explanation made it sound like he just didn't want to get hurt again, but then later he was all "I like to keep my options open" like what I've heard from some creeps that just want to f*ck me. So I don't know if he's a nice guy that doesn't want to get burned again (by himself or someone else) or if he's an a*shole that just wants to be immature and f*ck around. I just want to know ... because I can f*ck an asshole, but I can't have sex with a nice guy and not get my emotions involved."

And with Ravin:
her: what do you think would make you feel better then?
me: no idea ~ I don't like the traditional crazy relationships where you need to be together all the time ~ but I don't want him all about someone else either ~ I want to know he likes me ~ I'm not even asking for commitment, I just don't want him to be so damn nice if it's not sincere

Ok, aside from that, after one hell of a stressful, informative, crazy work day, I started crying in the shower tonight. How awful is that? I don't cry - this girl does NOT cry alone. I'll cry in front of people if I'm overwhelmed with stress or something, but rarely do I bust out crying alone and I did that tonight. I had this awful, awful realization hit me and I just leaned against the wall in the shower and started sobbing. My work "rescuing" doesn't stop with animals it seems.

I thought animal rescue was something I fell into, was forced into in a way, was something that had defined me for so long that I recently got myself out of resuing to make my own decisions in what made me me ... but now it seems rescue is it. Even when it comes to the important relationships in my life, I seem to be around to "fix" people and then they leave me. I've done this since high school too with crushes and friends and people I was dating. I'm there for them, give advice when they need it, support them and then they move on to start something with someone else. It's not even technically ever a recound because sometimes I am there from the the very beginning or before. H*ll, I even got my friend MusicalJ out of this ridiculous relationship, kept him away from her (his ex-fiance) and now he's married to a great girl. I'm not saying I want to be married or even in a relationship. And I'm not saying MusicalJ and I were ever in anyway destined or that's what I wanted from him, he's just a good example of the role I've played. I just want to know why am I not the one any of them choose to be with??

I'm through rescuing people. I want to be through rescuing people and hurting myself. I can't keep investing so much of myself in people to have them leave. God, it's killing me.

I told someone there was the potential for me to like them and somehow they took it as a solid fact that I do like them. I fight those feelings like you wouldn't believe though because I don't like getting hurt and I know how that's how it all ends at some point - me hurt. In fact, I'm trying awfully hard to avoid that and I think it's just making me bitchy and cold. I feel like I haven't explained myself well, but then whenever I try to start it seems to be taken out of context. How am I supposed to say that you can say the right things and do the right things, but I still won't believe you like me? How can I say I don't want to be in a relationship not because I'm incapable of wanting someone like that in my life but because I don't trust well anymore? And how can I tell someone I'd prefer they just be a jerk so I don't set myself up to be hurt either?? Hahaha, geez ... I'm a mess!

Random quote for this entry: "It's so hard to lose the one you love, to finally have to say good-bye...you try to be strong, but the pain keeps holding on and all you can do is cry...deep within your heart you know it's time to move on, when the fairy tale you once knew is gone." –Unknown <--- ah, I picked this when preparing to leave me rescue. go figure!

mostly about relationship insanity

This girl is oh so sleepy ... and yet quite awake. It's a weird combination.

This laptop is also not very faithful recently. It's been super slow - for example: I just typed out that whole sentence before it actually popped up on the screen.

I'm making an attempt not to think about things too much that are out of my control, so instead I'm going to throw myself into weird domestic things tonight ... and possibly tomorrow as well. Tomorrow will be the worst since I'll have all damn afternoon and night to distract myself. Maybe I'll go across the river...

Tonight I'm going to chop up some tofu and marinate it I think in this really good balsamic dressing I have (or maybe soy sauce if I still have any). This way it'll be all yummy when I grill it up later in my wok. I've had some veggies cut up since last night (a red bell pepper & zucchini) too that I might throw in with the tofu. I can't decide if I want to toss it all together in a wrap or if I want to make some pilaf to mix it all into. I'm also going to make an attempt at making home-made iced tea tonight. Whatever I don't do tonight, I'll save for tomorrow afternoon. I'm basically just finding ways to distract myself.

This guy I hooked up with a few months ago has a girlfriend now and, girl, I do not envy you. To be honest, I just continued what I did because it was pretty good ... then again, that was after my long break from just about anything aside from kissing. I mean, occasionally he can't even finish and when I'm asking you to "f*ck me", please don't make requests for more foreplay. Gawd. Tell me not to touch you while you're falling asleep, but plan out just about every aspect of our time together in bed - ok, you make sense! Sorry. Needed to get that out. And it's not as bitter as it sounds. I'm really just amazed he's in a relationship in general after the way he was.

Kinda tied into that: I really do hate how quickly things change when you're "taken". That makes so little sense to me. My ideal relationship would just be me and another individual living our own lives, but coming home to each other. Honestly, I'd be happy with that. You want to go our partying with friends, play video games at a buddy's house after work or I want to spend a Friday out with the girls - whatever. But, when I'm around with you, I'm yours and you're mine (because, believe me, I'm all about PDA lol). And at the end of the day, it's me you want to be with. You know? None of that baby talk, nickname, need to be with each other, blow off your friends, have to compromise myself & my life to be with someone else crap. I want someone to like me for me. I don't want to have to change just because my relationship status does.

Aside from a relationship, I think I really throw myself at people sometimes because I just genuinely hate being alone at times too. Whether you're my friend or we're hooking up or dating or whatever, I want to be with you as much as possible. I want to go out, hang out, talk or just freakin pass out if it's late at night. I don't like being alone and sometimes feel like I need to be around people to have time pass. Even just going over to crawl into bed and sleeping with someone is better than being alone in my own bed at night, in my opinion. I think that's why I'm so desperate to have plans made out and be with people - out at the bar or home watching a movie, you know? I just like other people I like around me. I don't think that's so strange.

I need to stop writing (even though there's a whole other subject I want to dish out about) and start doing those things I planned to do with my night ... at this point I'm only gonna have time to make the iced tea :)

you have no idea how much you hurt me

"Hope means nothing if it's false hope" ~ I just heard that quote on a show I was watching and it's so true. It really hit me with the way I've been feeling about some things today too. I was thinking earlier: "I've got no expectations, but I'm hoping for the best" ... maybe my hope's been false and keeping me set up to be a fool though.

I want to know why we need to learn all our lessons at once. I want to know why I need to be bombarded with pressure and frustrations all at the same time. I want to know why some people can just so easily be selfish and why the heck I hang around still caring when they so obviously don't. I've been shaking so much off and out of my life lately. Don't test me! I'm learning pretty quickly that the things I thought I needed in my life were just making me weak. I'm done with that.

24 years old and I'm starting over from scratch in a way. My face is different. Maybe 99% of the people I know and/or meet don't notice it, but I do - all those stitches, a couple fake teeth, scars ... sure, I joke about the "voodoo" blood stains and jumping in mulch piles, but get me around a set of stairs and my stomach rolls - no one sees that. I overcame ridiculous depression. I became the first person in my family to graduate from college. Just recently I was bold enough to drop the one thing I really felt made me too - I left the non-profit I started and, in doing so, I left my "celebrity" status in a way (maybe you don't know my name, but a lot of people in the tri-state animal rescue/animal rights work do!). I've never been one for cliques, classifications of people or setting definitions (physically or emotionally) on who I could associate myself with - I've got ages 2 - 85 included in my circle of friends.

I'm narrowing that all down now though. I left my rescue, I'm dropping "friends" that are no good and I'm focusing on making myself a better person however I can. For so long, I made sure I was the person who would always be there for my friends ... and I can't do that anymore because some of those people really aren't friends, they're leechs. They suck my energy out, take advantage of my love and manipulate me. I'm a good person to know and that's not being cocky - that's honest. I do just about anything for my friends and I'm a masochist in a lot of ways for people that don't deserve it. I'm getting over that, I'm making progress in who deserves that kind of dedication from me, but that loyalty is all there for those that deserve it. You shouldn't have to always depend on your friends or be completely dependant on others to make yourself feel good and be happy, but your friends should be there for you when you need them ... without being asked. I do that and though I don't do it for the expectation of it being returned, it should be on some level. So many of you don't seem to understand what I've gone through, what I've seen and what I deal with daily ... you really take me for granted.

I'm trying to be a good person, I try to be there for friends and have learned enough lessons in life to know that you've got the moment and that's really the only thing that's definite. That also makes me impatient – to make sure I have everything I want because if I don't have it now, I'm certainly not guaranteed it later.

Maybe I'm thinking too much, but I've been really down on myself lately and I think it's about time I take the advice of some real friends and acknowledge I'm a good person, embrace my pride. I wrote this in an email to someone the other day and it's the goal I really am working on doing instead of worrying & wasting time: "I'm just crossing my fingers now that my true friends will defend me if I need to be with things being said behind my back and trust that karma (or whatever you want to call it) will be a bigger b*tch than I will be to those that deserve it. "

This weekend that just passed just plain sucked as far as it goes for my relationships – friends mostly. I try to open up communication, I try to figure things out and be patient, but ... to be completely honest, I've got to quit wasting my time trying to "right" anything with someone not willing to communicate with me. Communication in any relationship (friendship or more) is key and if you can't even talk to me, explain what you think I did wrong or why you're upset & rubbing it off on me, well, I can't waste my time on worrying about you or trying to figure out how to fix things. F*ck that.

I'm in the mood to write some letters and get my thoughts all out, but I've got a feeling that they'd be taken poorly. I can't get what I want/am feeling across clearly for some reason. I've been thinking so much lately and need to write it down though ...

I wish someone in particular would call because I think that can be "fixed" and nothing frustrates me more than unfinished things, things just given up on or abandoned.

Surprisingly appropriate quote even though it's a random one:
"Every instance of heartbreak can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want." -Martha Beck, O Magazine, February 2003

Conversations

the mom: Are you ready yet?
Me: Yea, we're going to lunch with you just like this (as I'm standing around in my bra & underwear and my sister isn't much different)
the mom: We're going somewhere nice. You can't go like that!

second chances?

I've vented a lot about this situation with Irish Cop. Silly of me, stupid really - but true. There was no need to b*tch vent so much, but I did, I do. I should be sleeping, but I needed to write about this ...

I send Irish Cop random messages, never expecting anything back, but just because I hate having people severed from my life. Hate it, hate it, hate it ... maybe because I've lost quite a few with death and so to be alive and not take advantage of even occasional contact seems weird to me. Maybe that's it. Anyway, he wrote me back this last time.

It's just too weird because just the other day I finished off my one journal and in going back, the very frist entry in that journal had Irish Cop written about in it and the day I gave him my number. I thought I was going to puke I was so nervous. Hahaha. I just sat down next to him at the beginning of class, wrote out: Hey, that's my name signed below and here's my number if you're interested ..." and placed it down in his notebook on my way out (mid class for a dr's appointment) while he was still taking notes or something. I know he got it because I put it down right in front of him ... and he called me that night. We went on this amazing date, in my opinion, had like the restaurant to ourselves, we were joking around and talked for, um, ever! No lie, hours. It was really nice. It was just bad, bad timing...

I think I had my first seizure within a week of that great date and thus began my sad, sad spiral down. I pushed Irish Cop away ... I did a lot of bad things after that seizure. This picture was the aftermath ... and there was about a week of healing time before I took this depressing picture ... and apparently I left some huge blood stain outside the elementary school on the sidewalk. Walking by the school talking to a rescue buddy, mid-sentence I just went head first into the pavement. Yes, look at that picture again - that is a WEEK'S WORTH of healing; 3 internal sutures, 7 external above my eye; a possible fractured cheek bone or at least I bruised the bone and that scar's still obvious if you look for it (everyone was amazed I didn't blow out my whole eye socket because of course I fell on a twisted piece of sidewalk too) and bruised nose.

I went to class the day after too. You should have seen Irish Cop's reaction when he saw me ... I think I wore sun glasses pretty much 24/7, even to class, for about a month. Keep in mind that March '07 I'd knock off half my two canine teeth and require stitches by a plastic surgeon (thank God one was in the ER that night) to put my right corner of my lip back on. A girl can start to feel like she's losing her own reflection ...

Well, in passing him up, he found someone that seemed just perfect for him and when I finally got over him having a girlfriend (you know, initially I was pissy: how'd he end up with her so quickly, she's too young, she looks like a hussy, etc ... not mature, but true lol). Long story, short - Irish Cop and I still randomly talked even after our class together was over and he actually graduated before me too. He seemed so nice and his girlfriend she was ridiculously nice when I met her.

I was super brave towards the end of last summer and I went to his place for a party. I went alone to his place where all his friends were going to be (I only met 2 of them one time before, I think) and remember I went, brave-faced, as a friend since he had a girlfriend and all. The night was ridiculously fun and I had wanted to stay, but, well, didn't (thankfully) because I was soaking wet by the end of the night ... physically: I had gone swimming in my clothes since I didn't bring a suit.

Short version (because I'm trying to move past bitching STILL), things went on over text messages until like 3 am that night which was basically me trying to figure out A) if it was truly Irish Cop texting me because the stuff he was saying was so outrageous, then B) when it was him: was he drunk?! and finally C) trying to reason with Irish Cop and, at the same time, my own shaky feelings towards him. He was begging me to have sex with him. I know I've said that before, but if I'm putting it all down, that part needs to be added. Begging to have sex with me is what he was doing probably while his girlfriend was sleeping right by him. Uh! Apparently he came to his senses quickly the next morning and in an effort to avoid such future situations, I believe, he cut me out completely even though I didn't start anything (even though that sounds childish). I was shocked! And am now too that he's written me back today ...

Do people deserve second chances? I mean, he had a girlfriend and was begging to have sex with me. I had to talk him out of texting me anymore that night - that's awful! I'm different now, do I want to put myself in the position I was in the past? Do I take this as a new starting point at what could have potentially been good before if it hadn't been for the timing of that one date - maybe now is the right time to have him in my life in whatever manner? I don't know ...

"Action is the antidote to despair" -Joan Baez

words & lyrics that are pulling at my thoughts

I deserve better than what I've got, but it's not like I've gotten asked out or anything. It's not like I've got any real faith that there's a guy out there for me. But I like the idea ... I want to go on vacation with someone or just afternoon picnics. I want someone who's got a shoulder for me to fall asleep on while watching television, someone to make pancakes with in the morning and someone to write silly love notes fot, I want someone to take care of when they are sick, and someone to get a back rub from when my day's been rough..

if I'm a wick
you're a flame
light me on fire
to see just why you came
blow me out
when you realize who's to blame...

You should know that you've made quite an impression on me
and there's no place that I would rather be than
stuck with you somewhere, anywhere
and just because people talk, that doesn't mean you have to care...

It's easier for me to be alone
But there's still a piece of me that feels so empty
I've been all over the world
I've seen a million different places
But through the crowds and all the faces
I'm still out there looking for you...

They'll miss the taste of wanting you
Call out your name, like I still do
But they haven't said a word that's true
And they only hold you down...

I can still smell
Summer on your skin
I can still remember giving in
Wrapped all up in your hips
And in your sheets...

Sing me sweet
Sing me low
Say you'll never let me go
Cause I've gone long enough
Waiting for wonderful...

So when I see you next we'll make the most of it,
Tell the sun to start moving again,
The taste of your kiss I still got on my lips,
And ill take you there with me...

so tell me that one kiss wasn't enough...cause by now, by now I'm givin' up...

this one's for...

this one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to fuck with a whore than work on a relationship. this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with.

this is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over "her", he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone.

this is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too selfish to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech. for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen him from across the room leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for some other girl he's with to be a "friend."

this is for the girls who have showed up party after party just to be in his presence, and finally realizing that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. this is for the nights his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way.., then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had.

this is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

this is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment & this is for realizing that when you choose friends, you hardly choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep.

This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have settled for what he was giving because at least he was giving something. this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted.

this is for the hugs you've received from your girlfriends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and that you are truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the regret you've felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears...

The Mistakes Men Make ~ Thanks to Kris

THE MiSTAKES MEN MAKE iN BED ... READ iT ALL THE WAY THRU!
(don't agree with it all, but some of this is just f*ing hilarious)

1) NO KISSING???
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a man at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT SHAVING PT.2
Men seem to like women to be shaved down below. That's fine. But women like that too. That doesn't mean you have to shave it bare (although, that would be nice), but at least keep it neat and trimmed. There's nothing that turns a girl off more than looking at a penis sticking out of a forest.

26) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

27) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

28) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

29) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

30) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

31) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

32) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no. (*Side note....Hot candle wax is a YES YES!...The dye thing is a different story...)

33) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

34) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

35) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

36) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

37) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

38) TALKING DIRTY, OR WORSE, ASKING HER TO.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. And nothing kills a woman's mood faster than asking her to perform, especially if she doesn't want to - If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

39) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

40) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

41) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.