letter...

I apologized to you in that text last night about any confusion, but I shouldn't have done that. I should have apologized to you and myself for not speaking up, but instead I apologized for any confusion because I didn't want to start drama at your friend's party.

You say you're honest, but even that's not true. You said you'd tell me if you were seeing other people. I could still remember you inside of me from like the day before and someone else tells me you're seeing someone else ... have been talking to her since before me ... excuse me for assuming you're f*cking her too and totally grossed out by that.

I found out about her though and I decided that whatever happened from there that hurt me would be my fault: my eyes were open to your lack of honesty, to you risking me and to now knowing just how true you were about loving "your options" - the lovely phrase you use when constantly explaining why you don't want a relationship.

You told me to keep my emotions guarded. So, last night I showed up at your best friend's party, saw you busy helping to set up and, instead of running over to you like the clingy, annoying b*tch you are always accusing me of, I started conversations with other people. And then you make some dig at me later about not noticing you were there. You can say you were joking, but it didn't sound like that to anyone. Same with my shirt (it read "Boy Scouting") - "Boy scouting, huh?" you said all pissy. It's a shirt! A shirt I've had forever. Don't act like some jealous jerk over a damn t-shirt when you're the one f*cking around with who knows how many other people.

Which goes back to the honesty thing. Bullsh*t! Because telling me to not let my emotions get involved because you like your "options: and then going and telling your friend or whoever that you like me and then leaving it up to his drunk a*s to say something while you ignore me to smoke in the corner alone is just ridiculous. Ridiculous! What are we? 5?! And you need your friend to pass the note to me while no one is looking?! Geez!

Maybe your last relationship scarred you, but I'm not her and I'm the last person to jump into something so intense like your last relationship sounded. I've never been in one really - I haven't mentioned passed boyfriends because I've never really had one in the traditional sense. And I'm not even saying I want you as a boyfriend. I just can't handle being jerked around - that's why I stay away from crazy relationships and even just plain nice guys. So don't think I'm forcing you into anything here. I'm not one to do that.

Be social, have fun, live life - I hate those stupid, suffocating relationships. I think two people should want to be together, not have to be. I want to be with someone when I'm not with friends or working. Emotions guarded, I still was hoping you'd go to my friend's wedding with me. Silly, maybe, but true all the same. I'm not asking for forever, I was just hoping you could at least commit to a freaking weekend and be my date. I haven't mentioned it though because I can't wrap my head around you. You hold my hand, worry if I'm mad at you and say you like sleeping wrapped up with me, but act like some distant creep if I bring these things up and the confusion it causes me. I'm sorry to bring this up again, but what you say and what you do seem to be polar opposites, crazy man. You can say those things, but you can't commit to one freaking wedding date for my friend which is so important to me?!

Have I hurt you or confused you like you do to me? No. Have I hooked up with anyone in front of you like Ker did to your friend? No. So why do I feel like I'm the one always apologizing and trying to figure this out!? All I've been doing is trying to protect myself like you said I should and then you seem to get so upset like last night. So, I let my guard down a bit, made comments back to your sweet ones and then that upsets you/you turn into an a*shole.

I can't have people in my life that can't have an honest conversation with me. I'm mature enough to know that just because I could like someone doesn't mean I need them. Keep that in mind before jerking me around, BandJ.