boo to february 14th

So yea, yesterday was extremely not fun, as I thought it would be. This whole week has been not so hot so far and now I'm sick too.

This guy, DBRyan came over recently and we've been talking, just friendly stuff or joking around. He's friends with some of my guy friends and I think he definitely fell into the friend category. He was over and we ended up napping (little sleep for me and he had a long drive from where he was coming from and then had spent time in AC for a bit, I think, too). Anyway, we end up napping and though I was insistent we weren't going to do anything, he was really trying and we kissed some, made out some, but nothing too serious.

Anyway, BM (friend from high school that goes to my college and is best friends with DBRyan) goes and tells me later after all this has gone on that DBRyan made out with me even though he apparently has a girlfriend, he is amazing at playing games, amazing at being fake. That scares the hell out of me ... who does that?! I f*cking hate people that lie right to your face. They creep me out. Whatever, if he values me as the friend he kept saying I was, he'll IM me or something and be honest from here on out.

Champ had me yell & block the scumbag, DBRyan. SexL kind of had me second-guessing that decision though-
me: I blocked DBRyan, the one with the gf ... I told him honesty wasn't a lot to ask for, that I deserved more from a guy, a friend ... even from someone I was just talking to
SexL: and what did he say?
me: nothing, I blocked him - Cause he was all laughing it off: "She's more of a "fake" girlfriend" - what the f*ck does that mean?!
SexL: a "fake" gf????? i have no clue what that is - sounds shady
me: seriously - and I don't want the random thing anymore. I mean, if he had been up front with me- "I have a girlfriend, it's not serious - we're not good for each other" maybe then (is that awful?!?!)
SexL: no, cause i feel the same way.
me: but he was saying shit I wanted to hear and didn't admit the girlfriend part - that's no good
SexL: if they're out looking for someone/something better at that moment and they find you (or me) and things happen....it isnt our fault
me: I had to block him
SexL: yeah i hear ya

Anyway, Happy Valentine's/Wednesday/Snow Day or whatever else you might be celebrating - lots of love and luck to you. Personally, I want an Anteros' Day. Anteros: brother to Eros; God who avenged unrequited love; He was said to punish those who did not return the love of others - the rationale being that love must be answered if it is to prosper.

“I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of rights.” -Bishop Desmond Tutu

hungry like the wolf

I made out with this guy recently and I've been putting some thought into situations such as this one. I'm terribly weird when it comes to stuff like this, I think.

A lot of people feel that's extremely personal, that you should invest some more into a relationship before giving yourself over in any way to a guy (or doing some of the stuff that went on with this guy, at least) ... but I didn't do anything I didn't want and he didn't do anything much to me. That's how I keep my "innocence" or my lack of a connection to a person, I think. I don't let them do much to me. I think there are certain situations where I can be there enough to satisfy someone else, but not really invest much of me into it or that person ... and kind of keep myself out of the situation. Does that make sense?

I mean, don't get me wrong, there are definitely things I won't do for personal reasons, such as really bad experiences on my part ... and I'm just filled with bad sexual experiences, honestly. I want to laugh at that and yet, seriously, it's so sad.

Anyway, anyway, I can also tell a guy I don't do something, but not explain why - explaining why is the personal part of it for me. Invest more in being with me emotionally and maybe you'd be informed & understand (like guys care about that anyway!). For example, I once made out with this beautiful, beautiful guy who was nice and funny and friends with my roommate's best friend (not one night stand kinda thing, I was definitely going to be seeing a lot of him) and the whole night was definitely leading to sex in the mind of anyone in that situation, but I stopped him. He thought I was probably being a tease because I stopped him after all this time ... when actuality I was a virgin and whoa! this is the most I'd ever done in this amount of time with someone ever at that point. Here, I let him do all those things to me, but I couldn't verbally expose myself to him.

Do you think that's weird???