daydreaming and I'm thinking of you

Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it'd be if he had loved me, truly loved me, yes, I learned a while ago that kind of thing never happens for me and so I go around and just pretend love is not for me. I play the circus clown around my friends, make them laugh and they won't see that, you never let them see you sweat, don’t want them to think the pain runs deep lord knows it's killing me

So I put on my make-up, put a smile on my face and if anyone asks me, everything is okay. I’m laughing cause no one knows the joke is on me cause I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face, on my face

Singing lalala...

Sometimes I sit at home by the phone hoping he might call me, but he don't call me. But then I realize dreams come true aren't for girls like me, not like me. And so I go around with my head up like it ain't no thing and when the boys are out with all my friends, I’m into other things. Cause you never let them see you sweat, don’t want them to think the pain runs deep lord knows it's killing me

And so I put my make up (put it on, put it on), put a smile on my face (a smile on my face) and if anyone asks me, everything is okay (oh, I'm laughing) I’m laughing cause no one knows the joke is on me, but I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face, on my face

It’s not an easy thing to do. Sometimes it’s hard to face the truth. It’s not the life that I would choose, but what else can I do? If he don’t love me. If he don’t want me, I’m not about to sit around, let myself go

So I put on my make-up, put a smile on my face. And if anyone asks me, everything is okay (oh, I'm laughing) I’m laughing cause no one knows the joke is on me. But I'm dying inside cause I’m dying inside with my pride and a smile on my face, on my face

Singing lalala...

Oh there's so much to write here ...

I had another seizure last week. I fell between two tables and apparently kept bashing my face into the one table ... and it was at a fundraiser too.

The last I really remember was setting my stuff down to help another volunteer hand out prizes and then I was waking up on the floor. I broke two teeth, my canines, and my teeth literally went through my lip. My aunt told me later that she didn't think it looked that awful ... until she realized that as she was looking at my face she could see inside my mouth.

After an MRI to make sure I didn't shatter my cheek bones, I needed 4 stitches to put my lip back together and my lip was so bad that the doctors seemed to neglect everything else: I tore my back up, my knees are all bruised and I'm still not entirely sure my one finger's alright - it bruised down into my palm.

I'm not sure what's worse: falling backwards and losing chunks of my memory from the concussions or falling face first and losing chunks of my face! Ugh...

I wasn't allowed to shower that night afterwards because my stitches were so fresh. The next day when I was showering, the water in my shower ran red with blood on the white of the shower. My hair felt like cement because it was so caked with blood. I had to sit there and literally pick giant mattes of my hair apart just to get it wet to try to wash it. I hate this, I hate this...

I've been really hashing things out in my actual journal too. I had an "ah ha!" kind of moment the other day. I've been having a very hard time moving past and on from some people in my past. I have this tendency to go back to some people because I think they know me, because (on some level) I think I'm dependent on them, that I need them. I am so hung up on missing these people and having such a hard time moving on when I realized that if I'm so hell bent on discovering myself, bettering who I am as a person and all ... that keeping these people around isn't necessarily good for me, that some of them are very bad habits of mine. I don't know, it sounded a lot better and more logical all fleshed out in my journal.

So, I'm far from perfect - what with the faulty brain, my bad habits and the contradiction that I am. I handle, um, just about everything entirely wrong. I mean, how can kissing someone be so easy and having (admitting? giving into?) feelings for someone be so tough for me!? ... no, no this is something that is far too complicated to just start writing about now at 2 am.

Oliver: I know I'm probably six years to late... but will you give me strike one back? –A Lot Like Love

boo to february 14th

So yea, yesterday was extremely not fun, as I thought it would be. This whole week has been not so hot so far and now I'm sick too.

This guy, DBRyan came over recently and we've been talking, just friendly stuff or joking around. He's friends with some of my guy friends and I think he definitely fell into the friend category. He was over and we ended up napping (little sleep for me and he had a long drive from where he was coming from and then had spent time in AC for a bit, I think, too). Anyway, we end up napping and though I was insistent we weren't going to do anything, he was really trying and we kissed some, made out some, but nothing too serious.

Anyway, BM (friend from high school that goes to my college and is best friends with DBRyan) goes and tells me later after all this has gone on that DBRyan made out with me even though he apparently has a girlfriend, he is amazing at playing games, amazing at being fake. That scares the hell out of me ... who does that?! I f*cking hate people that lie right to your face. They creep me out. Whatever, if he values me as the friend he kept saying I was, he'll IM me or something and be honest from here on out.

Champ had me yell & block the scumbag, DBRyan. SexL kind of had me second-guessing that decision though-
me: I blocked DBRyan, the one with the gf ... I told him honesty wasn't a lot to ask for, that I deserved more from a guy, a friend ... even from someone I was just talking to
SexL: and what did he say?
me: nothing, I blocked him - Cause he was all laughing it off: "She's more of a "fake" girlfriend" - what the f*ck does that mean?!
SexL: a "fake" gf????? i have no clue what that is - sounds shady
me: seriously - and I don't want the random thing anymore. I mean, if he had been up front with me- "I have a girlfriend, it's not serious - we're not good for each other" maybe then (is that awful?!?!)
SexL: no, cause i feel the same way.
me: but he was saying shit I wanted to hear and didn't admit the girlfriend part - that's no good
SexL: if they're out looking for someone/something better at that moment and they find you (or me) and things happen....it isnt our fault
me: I had to block him
SexL: yeah i hear ya

Anyway, Happy Valentine's/Wednesday/Snow Day or whatever else you might be celebrating - lots of love and luck to you. Personally, I want an Anteros' Day. Anteros: brother to Eros; God who avenged unrequited love; He was said to punish those who did not return the love of others - the rationale being that love must be answered if it is to prosper.

“I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of rights.” -Bishop Desmond Tutu

hungry like the wolf

I made out with this guy recently and I've been putting some thought into situations such as this one. I'm terribly weird when it comes to stuff like this, I think.

A lot of people feel that's extremely personal, that you should invest some more into a relationship before giving yourself over in any way to a guy (or doing some of the stuff that went on with this guy, at least) ... but I didn't do anything I didn't want and he didn't do anything much to me. That's how I keep my "innocence" or my lack of a connection to a person, I think. I don't let them do much to me. I think there are certain situations where I can be there enough to satisfy someone else, but not really invest much of me into it or that person ... and kind of keep myself out of the situation. Does that make sense?

I mean, don't get me wrong, there are definitely things I won't do for personal reasons, such as really bad experiences on my part ... and I'm just filled with bad sexual experiences, honestly. I want to laugh at that and yet, seriously, it's so sad.

Anyway, anyway, I can also tell a guy I don't do something, but not explain why - explaining why is the personal part of it for me. Invest more in being with me emotionally and maybe you'd be informed & understand (like guys care about that anyway!). For example, I once made out with this beautiful, beautiful guy who was nice and funny and friends with my roommate's best friend (not one night stand kinda thing, I was definitely going to be seeing a lot of him) and the whole night was definitely leading to sex in the mind of anyone in that situation, but I stopped him. He thought I was probably being a tease because I stopped him after all this time ... when actuality I was a virgin and whoa! this is the most I'd ever done in this amount of time with someone ever at that point. Here, I let him do all those things to me, but I couldn't verbally expose myself to him.

Do you think that's weird???