I send Irish Cop random messages, never expecting anything back, but just because I hate having people severed from my life. Hate it, hate it, hate it ... maybe because I've lost quite a few with death and so to be alive and not take advantage of even occasional contact seems weird to me. Maybe that's it. Anyway, he wrote me back this last time.
It's just too weird because just the other day I finished off my one journal and in going back, the very frist entry in that journal had Irish Cop written about in it and the day I gave him my number. I thought I was going to puke I was so nervous. Hahaha. I just sat down next to him at the beginning of class, wrote out: Hey, that's my name signed below and here's my number if you're interested ..." and placed it down in his notebook on my way out (mid class for a dr's appointment) while he was still taking notes or something. I know he got it because I put it down right in front of him ... and he called me that night. We went on this amazing date, in my opinion, had like the restaurant to ourselves, we were joking around and talked for, um, ever! No lie, hours. It was really nice. It was just bad, bad timing...
I think I had my first seizure within a week of that great date and thus began my sad, sad spiral down. I pushed Irish Cop away ... I did a lot of bad things after that seizure. This picture was the aftermath ... and there was about a week of healing time before I took this depressing picture ... and apparently I left some huge blood stain outside the elementary school on the sidewalk. Walking by the school talking to a rescue buddy, mid-sentence I just went head first into the pavement. Yes, look at that picture again - that is a WEEK'S WORTH of healing; 3 internal sutures, 7 external above my eye; a possible fractured cheek bone or at least I bruised the bone and that scar's still obvious if you look for it (everyone was amazed I didn't blow out my whole eye socket because of course I fell on a twisted piece of sidewalk too) and bruised nose.I went to class the day after too. You should have seen Irish Cop's reaction when he saw me ... I think I wore sun glasses pretty much 24/7, even to class, for about a month. Keep in mind that March '07 I'd knock off half my two canine teeth and require stitches by a plastic surgeon (thank God one was in the ER that night) to put my right corner of my lip back on. A girl can start to feel like she's losing her own reflection ...
Well, in passing him up, he found someone that seemed just perfect for him and when I finally got over him having a girlfriend (you know, initially I was pissy: how'd he end up with her so quickly, she's too young, she looks like a hussy, etc ... not mature, but true lol). Long story, short - Irish Cop and I still randomly talked even after our class together was over and he actually graduated before me too. He seemed so nice and his girlfriend she was ridiculously nice when I met her.
I was super brave towards the end of last summer and I went to his place for a party. I went alone to his place where all his friends were going to be (I only met 2 of them one time before, I think) and remember I went, brave-faced, as a friend since he had a girlfriend and all. The night was ridiculously fun and I had wanted to stay, but, well, didn't (thankfully) because I was soaking wet by the end of the night ... physically: I had gone swimming in my clothes since I didn't bring a suit.
Short version (because I'm trying to move past bitching STILL), things went on over text messages until like 3 am that night which was basically me trying to figure out A) if it was truly Irish Cop texting me because the stuff he was saying was so outrageous, then B) when it was him: was he drunk?! and finally C) trying to reason with Irish Cop and, at the same time, my own shaky feelings towards him. He was begging me to have sex with him. I know I've said that before, but if I'm putting it all down, that part needs to be added. Begging to have sex with me is what he was doing probably while his girlfriend was sleeping right by him. Uh! Apparently he came to his senses quickly the next morning and in an effort to avoid such future situations, I believe, he cut me out completely
Do people deserve second chances? I mean, he had a girlfriend and was begging to have sex with me. I had to talk him out of texting me anymore that night - that's awful! I'm different now, do I want to put myself in the position I was in the past? Do I take this as a new starting point at what could have potentially been good before if it hadn't been for the timing of that one date - maybe now is the right time to have him in my life in whatever manner? I don't know ...
"Action is the antidote to despair" -Joan Baez
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