mostly about relationship insanity

This girl is oh so sleepy ... and yet quite awake. It's a weird combination.

This laptop is also not very faithful recently. It's been super slow - for example: I just typed out that whole sentence before it actually popped up on the screen.

I'm making an attempt not to think about things too much that are out of my control, so instead I'm going to throw myself into weird domestic things tonight ... and possibly tomorrow as well. Tomorrow will be the worst since I'll have all damn afternoon and night to distract myself. Maybe I'll go across the river...

Tonight I'm going to chop up some tofu and marinate it I think in this really good balsamic dressing I have (or maybe soy sauce if I still have any). This way it'll be all yummy when I grill it up later in my wok. I've had some veggies cut up since last night (a red bell pepper & zucchini) too that I might throw in with the tofu. I can't decide if I want to toss it all together in a wrap or if I want to make some pilaf to mix it all into. I'm also going to make an attempt at making home-made iced tea tonight. Whatever I don't do tonight, I'll save for tomorrow afternoon. I'm basically just finding ways to distract myself.

This guy I hooked up with a few months ago has a girlfriend now and, girl, I do not envy you. To be honest, I just continued what I did because it was pretty good ... then again, that was after my long break from just about anything aside from kissing. I mean, occasionally he can't even finish and when I'm asking you to "f*ck me", please don't make requests for more foreplay. Gawd. Tell me not to touch you while you're falling asleep, but plan out just about every aspect of our time together in bed - ok, you make sense! Sorry. Needed to get that out. And it's not as bitter as it sounds. I'm really just amazed he's in a relationship in general after the way he was.

Kinda tied into that: I really do hate how quickly things change when you're "taken". That makes so little sense to me. My ideal relationship would just be me and another individual living our own lives, but coming home to each other. Honestly, I'd be happy with that. You want to go our partying with friends, play video games at a buddy's house after work or I want to spend a Friday out with the girls - whatever. But, when I'm around with you, I'm yours and you're mine (because, believe me, I'm all about PDA lol). And at the end of the day, it's me you want to be with. You know? None of that baby talk, nickname, need to be with each other, blow off your friends, have to compromise myself & my life to be with someone else crap. I want someone to like me for me. I don't want to have to change just because my relationship status does.

Aside from a relationship, I think I really throw myself at people sometimes because I just genuinely hate being alone at times too. Whether you're my friend or we're hooking up or dating or whatever, I want to be with you as much as possible. I want to go out, hang out, talk or just freakin pass out if it's late at night. I don't like being alone and sometimes feel like I need to be around people to have time pass. Even just going over to crawl into bed and sleeping with someone is better than being alone in my own bed at night, in my opinion. I think that's why I'm so desperate to have plans made out and be with people - out at the bar or home watching a movie, you know? I just like other people I like around me. I don't think that's so strange.

I need to stop writing (even though there's a whole other subject I want to dish out about) and start doing those things I planned to do with my night ... at this point I'm only gonna have time to make the iced tea :)