you have no idea how much you hurt me

"Hope means nothing if it's false hope" ~ I just heard that quote on a show I was watching and it's so true. It really hit me with the way I've been feeling about some things today too. I was thinking earlier: "I've got no expectations, but I'm hoping for the best" ... maybe my hope's been false and keeping me set up to be a fool though.

I want to know why we need to learn all our lessons at once. I want to know why I need to be bombarded with pressure and frustrations all at the same time. I want to know why some people can just so easily be selfish and why the heck I hang around still caring when they so obviously don't. I've been shaking so much off and out of my life lately. Don't test me! I'm learning pretty quickly that the things I thought I needed in my life were just making me weak. I'm done with that.

24 years old and I'm starting over from scratch in a way. My face is different. Maybe 99% of the people I know and/or meet don't notice it, but I do - all those stitches, a couple fake teeth, scars ... sure, I joke about the "voodoo" blood stains and jumping in mulch piles, but get me around a set of stairs and my stomach rolls - no one sees that. I overcame ridiculous depression. I became the first person in my family to graduate from college. Just recently I was bold enough to drop the one thing I really felt made me too - I left the non-profit I started and, in doing so, I left my "celebrity" status in a way (maybe you don't know my name, but a lot of people in the tri-state animal rescue/animal rights work do!). I've never been one for cliques, classifications of people or setting definitions (physically or emotionally) on who I could associate myself with - I've got ages 2 - 85 included in my circle of friends.

I'm narrowing that all down now though. I left my rescue, I'm dropping "friends" that are no good and I'm focusing on making myself a better person however I can. For so long, I made sure I was the person who would always be there for my friends ... and I can't do that anymore because some of those people really aren't friends, they're leechs. They suck my energy out, take advantage of my love and manipulate me. I'm a good person to know and that's not being cocky - that's honest. I do just about anything for my friends and I'm a masochist in a lot of ways for people that don't deserve it. I'm getting over that, I'm making progress in who deserves that kind of dedication from me, but that loyalty is all there for those that deserve it. You shouldn't have to always depend on your friends or be completely dependant on others to make yourself feel good and be happy, but your friends should be there for you when you need them ... without being asked. I do that and though I don't do it for the expectation of it being returned, it should be on some level. So many of you don't seem to understand what I've gone through, what I've seen and what I deal with daily ... you really take me for granted.

I'm trying to be a good person, I try to be there for friends and have learned enough lessons in life to know that you've got the moment and that's really the only thing that's definite. That also makes me impatient – to make sure I have everything I want because if I don't have it now, I'm certainly not guaranteed it later.

Maybe I'm thinking too much, but I've been really down on myself lately and I think it's about time I take the advice of some real friends and acknowledge I'm a good person, embrace my pride. I wrote this in an email to someone the other day and it's the goal I really am working on doing instead of worrying & wasting time: "I'm just crossing my fingers now that my true friends will defend me if I need to be with things being said behind my back and trust that karma (or whatever you want to call it) will be a bigger b*tch than I will be to those that deserve it. "

This weekend that just passed just plain sucked as far as it goes for my relationships – friends mostly. I try to open up communication, I try to figure things out and be patient, but ... to be completely honest, I've got to quit wasting my time trying to "right" anything with someone not willing to communicate with me. Communication in any relationship (friendship or more) is key and if you can't even talk to me, explain what you think I did wrong or why you're upset & rubbing it off on me, well, I can't waste my time on worrying about you or trying to figure out how to fix things. F*ck that.

I'm in the mood to write some letters and get my thoughts all out, but I've got a feeling that they'd be taken poorly. I can't get what I want/am feeling across clearly for some reason. I've been thinking so much lately and need to write it down though ...

I wish someone in particular would call because I think that can be "fixed" and nothing frustrates me more than unfinished things, things just given up on or abandoned.

Surprisingly appropriate quote even though it's a random one:
"Every instance of heartbreak can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want." -Martha Beck, O Magazine, February 2003