Parties Aren't Always So Fun

I stripped down to my bra and panties and jumped into a pool at some stranger's party Saturday night. I was standing there when the boy Ker's been hooking up with jumped in and I found myself thinking, "Man, I really want to go swimming..." It was around then that someone mentioned the little difference between a bikini and your underwear (ok, aside from the fact my panties were definitely half lace that night – the back half!) and, let's be honest, this would not be the first time I'd done something like this since it was just last summer I did that at Irish Cop's place in a lake. So, I stripped down and jumped in and the water felt sooo good. Man, I miss the water...

"Not all experiences are good. You can't always trust the people you want to." Aside from the dumb sh*t, the party was pretty good. Ker and I got hit on, some dumb a*s liar (::cough, cough:: BandJ) was there and pretty much ignored us until the end of the night, free alcohol was involved and I got to go swimming – all good things right there (aside from BandJ). Sadly, we did not get to go on the home owner's children's play set like we wanted, but oh well ... After I got out of the pool, I put my clothes on top of my now wet underwear and stood around wet until Ker & I left not too long after that. The party was dying down because apparently there was some fight down the street bringing the cops nearby and the people we knew at the party were leaving soon anyway.

After a "discussion" (same old, same old: me: What's up with the way you've been acting?/him: I don't want a girlfriend. I like my options. You need to back off/me: Um, that's not what I said. I'm asking why YOU'VE been acting so possessive when out /him: easy girl, stop acting crazy. I have no idea what you've talking about. I like my options. Get over me and stop acting like my girlfriend/me: nevermind! You make no sense, etc.) and not talking too much over the past few days, like I said, I ended up seeing BandJ at this party. Awkward! He came over and was talking to us for a little bit though, seemed to be paying attention to me ... until these two other girls showed up and then he was all over them. After leaving the party, putting on dry clothes at Ker's and heading over to the place the guy she's been talking to had, there was an odd ratio of people: one friend and his girlfriend, Ker and the guy she's been talking to, BandJ and one of the two girls that showed up at the party. He sat next to her, got her food and I felt weird and pissy because my mind went to the obvious place - ah, he's dating her too. And then, feeling pissy while leaving, he walks me out and tries to kiss me goodbye. What the f*ck?! He's confusing and arrogant and makes me feel crazy and hangs all over some other girl in front of me and then tries to kiss me goodnight?!!

So, last night also taught me a lot about myself as well. I'm tired of setting myself up to get hurt and trying to burrow down to the good in people to give them multiple chances at sticking around. I'm tired of lies, confusion and half-assed attempts at being a good person. If you're not genuine and real and honest with at least yourself, get away from me. I don't want anything but good people around me and fun times. BandJ, you don't seem to have any of these qualities. Why? Why!? WHY am I wasting my freakin time with you?!

Those wants are not selfish or stupid - they're for my own sanity and soul. I want good people around me. I want people that I miss when they're not there, ones that support and consider my feelings and can just be content with watching a movie (alcohol doesn't need to be involved) or ready for the complete opposite too - being crazy & drinking & dancing and knowing (and laughing at the fact) I'm that girl that will soberly strip down in front of people to go swimming just because I feel like it. Ker knows that and anyone that didn't, doesn't know me at all (BandJ!).

I was put on this planet with enough "limitations" and losses. If you're not good for me, there's no point in keeping you around, right? If the negatives out weigh the positives of you being in my life, f*ck off! My life is finally getting stable and good. Don't try to bring me down anymore.

Whoo! That was a big rant :)

"don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want" Heath Ledger's last movie is out soon: The Dark Knight. I was excited to see it when I heard it was first in production, now I might be a little sad to watch it ...especially since he's supposed to have such an amazing performance in it as well.