what a morning...

First off, I had the most ridiculous dreams last night. They were riddled with everything from that night several weeks ago: the 800 different way things could have gone, the fact I should have had more guts, the fact the night was absolutely amazing and what could still go on from here.

I'm attempting to embrace a few things about that night as well:

- Doesn't matter how I came across because I know how I truly am and I don't even need all my fingers to count the number of guys I've slept with ... so if I came off like some hockey whore, whatever! Because I'm not. I'm not even close to a whore in general.
- my sister's take on DCrush being shy: "Lame then" lol <3 her
- There are many reasons I shouldn't be alive and here today, I'll be more brave in the future
- That night rocked!
- It was several weeks ago, nothing I can do now

Also, the knowledge of the fact I did someone's jager bomb has come back to my memory. This might explain distinct parts of the night. One way or another, my clothes come off when I drink jager - skinny dipping, flashing, sex ... all these things have happened when jagermeister became involved in my night - like the infamous first bonfire/hot tub party when we drank an entire bottle, ending up swimming out to the island in the lake and bikini tops ended up in the cooler after we drank all the beer in there ... not to mention, I found boxers the next day outside the hot tub, in the recyclables bin and someone's got thrown into the bonfire too

After all that dreaming, I woke up early after obviously not sleeping well, found the warmest clothes I could (like an XXXL red sweatshirt and sweatpants from my alma mater) and as I wandered out for my shake, my mom told me my cousin called at 7:30 AM. I had just seen him Saturday night at the bar where I watched the hockey game and he teased me.

What was half the reason he called so early that morning?? He was worried about me. He wished I wanted to date some guy in an orchestra instead of some hockey player. He's afraid I'm gonna go out, see one of those "jerk hockey guys" out with other girls and get hurt ... and he can't protect me from a hockey player like he could some orchestra geek. He "doesn't want to end up with his shirt over his head and getting his teeth punched out" since that's what hockey players do. Oh, and he added that there's a bartender at the bar we were at that's working and going to school that's interested in me.

Thank you, cuz. I love you too.

After telling me this, my mom heads out the door with my dad to go get horse feed. So, there I am, taking in this conversation (and concerns) from my cousin with my rumbled hair, extra big sweatshirt and pants on, homemade breakfast shake in hand and what do I see?? A stretch limo pulling in my driveway. First thought: Well, it's not a Hummer...

not that I want Prince Charming (or hockey hunk) showing up while I looking like that anyway! I walk out my door, the picture of cold morning beauty (not!) and wait at the base of the porch for whoever this is to step out when I hear the twang of a family friend's voice before she emerges. She's there to show off one of our horses to some people who might know someone that wants to buy him ... and apparently she's there to repeatedly insult me as well. I took this in stride though, too tired to fight and remembering that the last time when I called her out, she just called me bitchy.

So, yea, what a morning! I felt plagued with thoughts, loved by my cousin, relaxed overall and then repeatedly poked in a bruise by this friend as she keeps talking about my family problems like I'm not aware and living with it all. Ack...