thank you for the reminder!

For some time I've been sleeping with this guy, BandJ.

Initially this year (I say "this year" because there's some history with BandJ) it was literally just sleeping in the same bed. BandJ was someone to cuddle with, talk to and a place to stay when I didn't feel like driving more than 10 minutes or so to climb into a bed - he's near where all my friends are whereas my parents' place is about a half hour from them.

I cannot even begin to explain how absolutely wonderful it was to curl up to watch a movie, climb into bed while talking about a cute guy I saw at the bar before I got to BandJ's or venting about friends, then snuggle up together and say goodnight. I'd wake up in the morning, maybe talk a little with his parents, get a kiss goodbye and head out the door. It was a strange, wonderful friendship, I thought.

More and more it has become less talking and joking and more so just sex and then sleeping and not much else. Well, as things have progressed to this point, it's also become increasingly obvious to me (whether because the things I enjoyed so much aren't a part of it anymore or in general) that he's simply a nice excuse to not be alone and a nearby bed ... and that is all he is to me. I'm not even sure at this point if I really like BandJ at all, maybe not even as a person. Over the time I've come to know him, I've realized I don't like many of his friends, I don't like his lack of a job, the fact he lives with his parents (yes, I live with mine, but my dad's sick - that's the only reason I'm still unemployed & living here ... aside from the fact the job market sucks too), I don't like how he can act so nice and then morph into a jerk, I don't like his hobbies (which just seem to be going to a friend's and drinking), his opinions often are highly off from mine or how he manipulates me and I certainly do not like his ego one bit.

Don't get me wrong, there are times I wake up, roll over and think, "Oh my god, he's gorgeous" and sometimes the sex is good and I can ignore the fact we barely talk like before. However to think back on just the hanging out, talking to him and compare it to now, I'm not a fan of who he is with me now when we're alone and I'm not a fan of myself at points for the things I put up with/do just to not have to go home some nights. I know this. I know all this ... and yet I still keep texting him and going there ... somehow I still haven't learned that something isn't always better than nothing.

I found myself there the other night - no sex with just a little bit of talking, but I was really tired, so it was pretty much right to bed ... and no cuddling up together, lots of snoring (on his part) and little sleep for me.

During my little sleep, I had the most random, realistic dreams. The one dream was so horrible, I woke up crying. Another one was just a huge red flag: we woke in the morning and BandJ sat down on the end of the bed, saying we needed to talk. He began to tell me how at this point, he'd normally be trying to find excuses to not see me, wouldn't answer my calls ... but that there was something about me. I was sticking. At this point in my dream, I cannot really recall what BandJ was saying because I started freaking out in my own head: "Oh no! Oh no! Is he going to say he has feelings for me? That he wants me to be his girlfriend? Oh no. Oh man, I don't like him. I don't like him at all." I'm thinking I don't like him and I was worrying he only wanted me to be his girlfriend because I let him treat me like crap and I keep coming back. Then, I found myself waking up in real life and rolling over next to him. Ah! Talk about mixed feelings...

Thank you for the reminder, brain, that I don't like this anymore ... Even my subconscious is reminding me while I am sleeping next to him!

This was way too early (still dark out), so I think I tried to fall back to sleep, but if I'm being completely honest here ... I wouldn't have even woken him up when I left if he hadn't needed to lock the door behind me. I felt so awkward. I think he said he'd call. I didn't hold my breath ... and he didn't call.